A4P Guest: I’ve been married for four years now. My husband and I have two kids, two years old boy and seven month old baby girl. I love my husband and I know he loves me too. I used to be happy with my marriage but not anymore.
A4P: Why aren’t you happy?
A4P Guest: I’m not sure how I can tell you.
A4P: If you can’t tell me, I can’t help you. Most married couples come to this ministry because they have sexual problems. Is that the case with you?
A4P Guest: Yes.
A4P: Okay. Let me hear about it and see if I can be of any help.
A4P Guest: I’m a stay-at-home mom and my husband works two jobs. He comes home and plays with the kids and goes to bed. He doesn’t pay attention to me. I feel so neglected and disregarded.
A4P: Means, there is no sex?
A4P Guest: No! He doesn’t seem he cares about that part of life.
A4P: Why do you think?
A4P Guest: I don’t know.
A4P: So, what is your question for me? How can I help you?
A4P Guest: I don’t know how to tell you this but whenever I struggle with this desire, I sometimes – – –
A4P: You turn to masturbation?
A4P Guest: Yes! I hate myself whenever I do that. I can’t pray because I feel so ashamed. I feel so dirty to go to God. If my husband was considerate enough to take care of me in that side of life, I wouldn’t struggle with it. How can I communicate this with my husband?
A4P: Excellent! You see, now, I may be able to help you since you spelled out your problem and stated your question clearly. But if I’m not mistaken, there is another problem at hand here. So, before I say anything, let me ask you a question: When did you start turning to masturbation to take care of your sexual desires?
A4P Guest: Since I was 14. (I’m 27 years old now.)
A4P: When did you stop masturbation?
A4P Guest: That thing has been my struggle since I was 14. But after I got married, unless I feel sad, frustrated or angry, I don’t go to it. But these days, since my husband is not interested in sex, I am in it all over again.
A4P: I hope you hear yourself here blaming your husband for your addiction. But I don’t think he is the reason for it. Well, the fact that you don’t have any physical intimacy with your husband might make you vulnerable to go back to the addiction to which you didn’t find a solution for in the first place. That means the problem here is not your husband but the addiction itself.
Masturbation addiction continues to thrive in one’s life until the source of masturbation is cut from its root; and that source is called a lustful heart.
So, instead of trying to work on your husband for him to desire you for sex, seek help to find healing to your heart. I’m not saying here that it is okay to let go of sex from your marriage. All I’m saying is this: The first thing that needs to be dealt with is your heart, not your marriage nor your husband’s sexual desire.
See if you are feeding your heart lustful lyrics and scenes from social media, romantic books such as Fifty Shades of Gray, reality TV shows or movies which won’t teach you anything but make you lust after illicit sexual practices.
Even at the absence of any outside stimulus, our mind creates its own lustful thoughts unless we feed our mind and heart the Word of God, which is the only killer of lust.
So, make it your habit to read and meditate the Word of God every day! But reading and meditating the Word of God cannot be the answer for your current situation. What is important is this:
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16
That means, you need others in your life. If you are alone, which is the case with most women in your situation, I advise you to go to church and seek fellowship with other believers.
The number one culprit for sexual addiction is loneliness.
So, seek healthy relationship with other believers. Once you build a healthy relationship with others, you have to open up and let others come in to your life so that they can help you. It is closer to impossible to win this battle alone.
And let me say this before I let you go: Most men don’t feel intimate to their wives when their wives use their bodies as a medicine for sexual addictions. They totally lose interest in sex since there is no genuine intimacy there (This is true of women too). So, while you seek help for your addiction, you may solve your marital sexual problems; killing two birds with one stone. ///
Let’s say your husband starts pursuing you for sex; do you think that solves your problem? It doesn’t. It actually intensifies it since lustful heart can’t be satisfied by anyone and by anything. So, you need to find healing for your lustful heart which always draws you away from marriage and husband. If you see your husband a medicine for masturbation addiction, you can’t experience the sexual satiety and fulfillment God has for you in the marital sexual intimacy.
So, listen to me carefully please: First thing first: It is usually hard for anyone to come out of “confessing and sinning; and sinning and confessing” kind of vicious circle alone. You need someone to stand with you. The fact that you tell this part of your life to someone else gives you some sort of freedom which leads to victory. But that someone can’t be me since I am but a virtual person; I don’t know you and you don’t me; and I can’t see you and you can’t see me. You need someone you can see and touch. And guess who the most important person who can help you in this? Your husband!
I know, you may say to yourself, “What is she talking about? My husband doesn’t care about me; let alone to stand with me to wage war against my enemy.”
Well, I’m sure he loves you and cares about you. He might be going through tough times. Most men just shut off when they go through stressful times. They withdraw from others, including their wives they love dearly; and focus on their work and chores they have to do. Through it all, they lose interest in sex. It has nothing to do with you but everything to do with the season of life your husband is going through.
So, if that is the case with your husband, giving him space might be the best gift you can give to him at this point.
Giving him space may look like this: Don’t nag him about missing sex. Whatever he does around the house, appreciate his effort without correcting or criticizing him. Don’t blame him for anything. See him as a human being who needs your help and support. I know, it is hard to do so when you yourself are too consumed with your own problems. This is where you need the grace and wisdom of God; you need to seek God for your own needs and desires while you strive to meet his needs. I’m not saying here that you need to forget and neglect your sexual nature. All I’m saying is this: For the better tomorrows, handle your “today” with wisdom.
Actually see these tough times as a gift from God for you to invest on your husband’s heart. Don’t see your husband as if he is the source of your misery. Rather, see him as a source of your joy. Appreciate his presence. Watch out to those body languages which speak volume to him. Show him that you are happy with his presence.
And here is the biggie: Masturbation addiction usually doesn’t have anything to do with sexual desire; but it has everything to do with lustful heart. So, avoiding reading and meditating the Word of God and praying; spending time with the Holy Spirit is like going to war without any armor. Of course there are times we can’t do any of these things and that is when we need others’ help. You need to reach out for help. If I were you, I won’t start out by saying, “My husband doesn’t want sex” but I will state my problem this way: “I have this masturbation addiction which doesn’t leave me alone. I know this addiction has something to do with my lustful heart. So, please help me.”