Sitting in the dark room, in the middle of the night, he began sweating as if he ran five miles. The question which kept on coming in his mind was, “How did I end up here?”
He grew up in the church. He knows more Bible verses than most of his friends. Growing up, he was considered as one of the spiritual young men who could take a place of pastoral position or something. Even as a young lad, some people used to come and ask him to pray for them.
As his mother only son, his mother raised him as if he was the last man from human race. She didn’t let him go through circumcision until he turned thirteen. His father and uncle pressured his mother and she agreed to let him get circumcised at the age of thirteen.
While he was recovering from the circumcision, the incision area began to itch. So he scratched it to relief the itch and before he knew it, his whole blood gushed into his private part. He didn’t know what it was until he felt the relief and sensed some kind of pleasure. He didn’t want to discuss this unique experience with anyone. He was happy for finding it but at the same time he was terrified. He thought he found something nobody out there had knew about.
Then with few weeks, he mastered the practice of getting sexual release but he was struggling with this guilt feeling which used to follow it. So he began holding different fasting and prayer programs to stop it. His mother used to say to him, “My son, isn’t this fasting a little too much for your tiny body?” He always responded back to her, “Mom, don’t worry about me.”
Always after he fasted and prayed, he privately used to declare victory over masturbation; but within a month or so, he would find himself in it. And whenever he came back to it, he would add more pornographic pictures to his collection of pictures he put under his mattress. But regardless of his repeated defeat, he never stopped fighting to stop the practice.
When he turned seventeen, his pastor called him to lead the youth ministry of his church and he accepted the offer. His mother and father were very proud of him; so was everybody who he knew him at the time. He became very busy with the different activities he used to put together for the youth group he was leading. His church’s youth ministry quickly became famous in that small town.
But he was a very lonely young man. Lots of people used to come looking for him; to get something from him, prayer or counseling but nobody had ever come to ask him how he was holding up. He sometimes wished if he could tell someone about his sexual struggle so that they could help him fight “his Goliath” which always waited for him in his bedroom. But he chose not to discuss it with anyone. After all, everybody thought that he was like “the next St. Paul” in their church.
When he turned eighteen, his whole family got Diversity Visa (DV) Lottery to come to the US and he left his church, his small town and country, Ethiopia, to come to the US with his whole family.
Within two weeks of their arrival in the US, they found one church but they couldn’t get involved in any ministry as soon as they liked to because of all the pressure of new life in America.
He began working in the nearby store to make some money to support his family. He bought his own laptop and was able to apply online for different colleges. He loved his independent lifestyle he was able to lead with the small money he was making. He bought car and life seemed promising but one thing.
His sexual struggle was with him, at a high intensity. While he worked at the store, he was introduced to one particular magazine that he found himself being very addicted to. He fought with himself never to checkout their website but one day, while he was bored and being idle, he gave in to the temptation and typed their website he knew by heart. From that night on, it became his daily routine to stay on his laptop till one or two in the morning, searching for more porn sites he didn’t see before.
He couldn’t understand the love and hate relationship he had with the porn videos. He sometimes became scared to go to his room by himself. But once he starts to watch the videos, he forgets everything. He lost all his spiritual passion he used to have. He tried to fast and pray but he couldn’t do it more than half a day. One voice used to discourage him saying, “Why do you try when you know for sure that you will do it again?”
Then one day, he found his high school friends who came to the US a little earlier than him. He has a very nice personality that attracts everybody to him like a magnet. So they were very happy to see him.
After that day, he began to see them regularly at least two or three days a week. They repeatedly invited him to join them on their Friday night outs. He had never been out in the night throughout his life and didn’t want to embarrass himself. So, he used to give them different bogus reasons not to go out with them.
But one Friday night, he decided to have dinner with them. In the middle of the dinner, one of his friends said, “If I’m not mistaken, when we were 9th or 10th grade, you were one of those strict Christians, weren’t you?” Everybody laughed, including him. Before he responded back to his friend’s question, one of them said, “That is one of the things you do when you were a teenager.” Patting his back, he said, “He is over that now, aren’t you?”
He didn’t disagree or agree. He kept laughing. Then after dinner, they seemed to know where they were going but he didn’t. Taking out his car key, he said, “So, – – -.”
One of them said, “No, I have big track, we will go together.”
He was a bit hesitant and said, “I will follow you guys. I may need to go earlier than you guys. I have to go to work early in the morning. But where are we heading into?”
One of them holding on his shoulder said, “You agreed to come out with us after a long time and let us surprise you. Just follow us.” Two of them came with him while the other three drove together.
And they all went to the happy hour one of the Ethiopian restaurants had. Two of his friends began smoking while in the car and one of them took out a bottle of alcohol from a brown paper bag and began drinking directly from the bottle. He offered him but he said, smiling, “Not now.” He never drank alcohol in his whole life but he didn’t want to tell them that.
When they got to the place, the place was packed; with dim light and loud music. He didn’t want to look fool. So he decided to look cool as he stretched out his shirt’s collar. Some people were on the dance floor dancing and some of them were standing. Nobody seemed to listen to each other. Here and there, he heard loud laughter. Other than that, the only thing he heard was a loud music. He had no idea what that music was all about but he began moving his body so he blended in with the group.
Then a group of women came out to meet them. One of them seemed to know one of his friends and the others seemed to know none of them. But as if they had appointment, each one of his friends took one woman and one of the women took his hand and invited him to dance.
He had never danced before. He began sweating at this point. He was very thankful that nobody could see his sweat which made his face and neck oily. She was wearing a skirt which covered only her waist and a little down from there. She was wearing very high heel shoes which made her as tall as he. In the middle of the dance, she whispered in his ears, “I don’t think you drank any alcohol, did you?”
He replied, “No, why?”
She said, “You don’t seem to enjoy the dance. You look uptight. Why don’t you drink some so that you will loosen up a bit?”
He replied, “Maybe I’m tired.” Then the next thing he knew, her hand went directly to his belt.
With a quick reflex action, as if he caught a thief’s hand, he caught her hand. He was dumbfounded and didn’t say a word except pushing his body a little away from her. At this point, he could hear his heartbeat. She held his hand, the hand which caught her hand when she was about to unbuckle his belt, and led him out of the room and asked him where he parked his car. When he told her where his car was, she invited him to his own car. As if he didn’t have a right to say anything, he followed her. – – – Part II continues another time. ///
P. S. This is a combination of true and fictional story. Why fiction added to it; so that it will hide the identity of the person. I would like to say thank you, particularly to one young man who gave me his life story freely for me to share it with you all. Thank you so much my dear brother!