She took a short walk around the campus as if the walk would sooth her pain. But it didn’t. She wanted to share her pain with someone but who would be that someone? Nobody!
Then she said, “Let me write it down,” remembering what her psychology teacher said how writing helps release mental tension.
So, she decided to write what she was feeling on her diary. So, she found one corner in the campus library. She slowly opened her laptop, looking around if there was anyone who could interrupt her before she finished typing. She said to herself, “All clear!” And she began typing.
First, she didn’t know where or how to start but once she began typing the first sentence, everything seemed to flow out of her heart as if someone tipped off a cup full of water.
“I feel like my life is spinning too fast for me to stop it. I feel like I have no control over it. I’m eighteen but I feel like I’m fifty years old.
Who am I? What do I want in life? Where am I going? I don’t know!
I slept with a 21 year old man last month and it was my first time to have sex with a man. I didn’t find anything in the sex as my friends told me. Yes, I feel empty and lost; and when it comes to pleasure as my friends told me, I got nothing out of it. Why not? I don’t know!
First of all, I didn’t decide to have sex looking forward to the sex nor the pleasure but to be closer to the man I thought I was attracted to.
But after I slept with him, he seemed lost in his own world; like school, family and other things. I wanted him to call me every hour. I’m a sophomore and he is a senior. I know he has to work hard for his graduation but why can’t he call me at least once a week? It’s been now two weeks since I’ve heard from him.
Last week, I went to his dorm to see if he was studying but I found him flirting with a first year student. I ran to my dorm as if I was caught stealing. Why did I react that way? I don’t know!
I cried and cried and later called him. He didn’t answer his phone and later he sent me a text saying “I’m very busy now. I will call you next week or so.”
Those words, especially the last sentence was like a gun shot. It killed me. I hated all my friends. I know I shouldn’t. One of my friends wanted to date this man but he ended up asking me out. And I was kind of happy that he picked me, not my friend. But now I wish she was the one he picked. Oh, no, why am I thinking this way? Oh, my gosh, I’m so scared.
I can’t call my mom now. What am I going to tell her? “Hey, mom, I gave my virginity to a man and it doesn’t feel right as you warned me. I need your help; would you please come?”
Oh, no, I will never do that. I wish I was not stubborn. I wish I could call her. My gosh, I don’t know where to go or who to go to.
I feel like I gave him everything I had but there was nothing for me in return. He knows that I did it for him. He knows that I am very strict when it comes to God, church and my faith but I guess he forgot all about me. But why? I dreamed our wedding and our children but there is no “us.” It is only “me” and I don’t like what I feel inside my mouth right now. It tastes so bitter. I want to cry. It left a sour taste in my mouth. I feel like there is a lump stuck in my throat. Okay, let me take a few second break. I feel like somebody is choking me.
Okay, I’m back. I wanted to talk to God but I don’t know what to tell Him. I can’t read the Bible. Oh, no, I can’t! Why not? I don’t know!
I hate to hear anything from any of my friends. I feel like they lied to me but they didn’t. I chose the path, not them. Okay, at least, I don’t want to hear any of their dating business. They are talking about another world than the world I live in.
My world is crashing down over my head. It is okay, I will get over this but when and how? Okay, after ten years, I won’t feel this way but what would be different then? I know that I won’t be a virgin again. That is for sure. But I wanted to be a virgin on my wedding night. Stop it! That is a fairy tale now! Done! Gone! Adios! Move on! How? I don’t know.
I’m a woman, aren’t I? I didn’t ask to be created this way, I wish I had a say in my own creation but I didn’t. I didn’t ask to be a woman but I am. I want to marry; I want to be a mother; I want to be a wife. I want to be pregnant. I want to breastfed my babies. I didn’t create all these wants and desires in me. I found them in my heart.
Yes, I want to belong to one man but nobody is with me now. Oh, no, I don’t want to be left alone.
I am a woman but what I was told to be is something else than a woman. I don’t even know what that “something else” is. I know I can’t be a man but what is that “something else” then? I don’t know and I don’t care.
“Be aggressive! Men love aggressive woman!”
But I don’t want to be aggressive. I’m not aggressive.
“Be confident! Men love confident woman!”
I’m confident but deep down, I still feel some kind of insecure. I fear being alone, nobody to love and cherish me. I have this nagging desire to be loved and treasured by a man.
“Be free! Express yourself! Show what you got! Don’t hide them! That is when you catch a man’s attention!”
But I have this deep seated desire in me, a desire to hide and cover myself. I am free but I want to be free to be who I am from the inside.
Trust me; I want to be a source of pleasure and joy for one man but I don’t think I could be if I end up be like that for every man on this planet.
I am an extrovert and I know how to express myself clearly but if the only way to express myself is by putting my body on a display, I find it very hard to do so because I have this deep desire not to do that.
Where can I hide myself? Who can accept me just the way I am? I want to scream and shout saying, “Please, let me be a woman because I am a woman. Please, love and accept me as a woman which is my number one desire to be because that is who I am. Give me a chance to be a woman. Give me a chance to live as a woman.”
“You have to pursue a man. Otherwise you will be single for life.”
But I want to be pursed, not to purse. How can I say this?
Nobody seems to give me freedom to be who I am from the inside. Everywhere I turn to, there is someone to tell me how to act, live and dress up.
To be somebody else than who I’m from the inside is like prison; it is a dungeon! Please don’t lock me up in darkness. Please, release me so that I can soar like an eagle, spreading my wings to the full extent and fly.
Please, let me be a woman because I am a woman.
But I fear telling it all as it is because I fear being alone! I fear rejection! I feel like the whole world will reject me. If my friends find out what I’m writing on my diary now, they will call me “lunatic” or “jerk” or “loser”or “weirdo”; names I hate to be called by.
I have this desire to be one man’s idle. I want to live in the heart of one man but they said to me:
“Every man is different. You shouldn’t give your heart to any man until you find one who knows how to make love to you.”
But I don’t think I have control over who I can give my heart to. It is already gone with a man I slept with. Maybe my heart is attached with my body. I don’t know.
The thing is with only one sexual encounter, I come into a conclusion that sex is not what I think it is. It takes away from me everything I had.
Are they talking about not giving my heart away? I gave away my future, my outlook in life, my destiny and everything else with only one sexual encounter. I feel empty! I feel like I am naked.
If one sexual encounter had a potential to do all these, what would the next one do to me? If the first encounter made me feel like this empty, what would the next one make me feel like? Lost a breath? That is the only thing that is left in me now.
I’m scared now. I better stop.
Yes, I may stop typing but I will never stop seeking a way to be released from this life of being something else. No, I won’t stop. I will fight for my freedom to be a woman I am created to be. ///