Lots of things!
But before I say anything, let me say this: All marriages are beautiful as long as they are under a covenant and a promise made between one man and one woman before witnesses, man and God.
Many marriages of young people today are falling apart because of many reasons. But I personally think the following four reasons are major ones:
- Dead communication
Every loving couple gets married thinking that they have great communication. But more often than not a couple arrives to that conclusion because their dating process includes all sexual stuff. Being sexual before marriage usually makes a couple delusional.
With full of excitement and sparkling eyes, one week away from her wedding, a young girl says,
“I don’t know what I did to deserve this man! How lucky I am to find him! He is such a nice guy! He knows and understands me in and out. I don’t need to tell him what I want. He just knows! He is my dream man!”
Well, after a month or two, the story becomes different and she quietly says to herself, “Who is this man? Where is the man I fell in love with?”
Sex before marriage hijacks and sabotages a couple’s logical mind that can see and evaluate things. Their minds and hearts will be bombarded, not by love but, by lust. Then they find themselves under the same roof and to their nightmares, they have absolutely nothing common to talk about.
“Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived” Genesis 4:1a NJKV
Not just any “Eve” but “Eve his wife!”
Adam married Eve and she became his wife. Then Adam “knew” her and she conceived. This is the order of things according to the Designer of marriage and sexual intimacy. When we flip things around, we find, “Adam knew a woman, then she conceived and Adam married her and made her his wife.”
Do you see it?
When “knowing” comes first, a woman is seen as an object that fulfills man’s sexual fantasies. This knowing creates “pseudo-love” which has “perfect communication, relationship and intimacy.”
But pseudo-love has a short shelf-life. It only thrives as long as the relationship continues as “hidden and stolen” from people and God.
“Stolen water is sweet,
And bread eaten in secret is pleasant” Proverbs 9:17 NKJV
Marriage and pseudo love are not compatible because marriage thrives only in light, truth and openness. When marriage happens, the veil (pseudo-love) that covered the couple’s eyes will fall to the ground and they start seeing each other clearly. With all the surprises and shocks, they’re run out of things to talk about but only to fight over.
What is the solution for this problem?
Recognize the sin
Entreat (ask earnestly) the Lord and
“He who covers his sins will not prosper,
But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” Proverbs 28:13 NKJV
Notice: Not all who confess their sins will receive mercy but only those who forsake their sins. No one can forsake his/her sin unless they have some convictions, change of mind about the sin.
For instance, some people confess their sin but they are not really sure what their sin is or why their actions were considered as sin before God. They have little or no understanding of what sin is; especially sexual sin (1 Corinthians 6:18-21, Matthew 5:27-28). So, they confess their sin because they are told to do but they continue indulging into lust and sexual immorality as they view porn, pornographic movies/drams/shows, so on and so forth. This destroys their communication since love, honest and respect won’t have any place in their marriage. Dead communication is the one basic ingredient needed to kill a beautiful marriage.
More often couples come to the marriage holding on to their expectations, what their marriage should be and how their spouse should be. That is like, falling in love with “an imaginary spouse and marriage.”
When they find themselves in a marriage, they immediately go into a mission called “changing my spouse into my imaginary spouse so my imaginary marriage will be real.”
Solution: – First, recognize the existence of this imaginary spouse/marriage. Then know that your imaginary spouse or marriage is your enemy that comes against your marriage. Third, know that your spouse and your unique marriage are gifts from God. Accept your gifts with joy and work on your gifts, on your side, so that you will have the kind of marriage you always want to have.
Remember, I didn’t say, “work on your spouse,” rather, “work on your side;” means, do your part! Fulfill your call!
And remember this too: Good marriages are not created but MADE. That means your marriage is as good as you and your spouse would like it to be! Since your marriage is a reflection of you (who you are, your spiritual life included), when you see a problem, fix it on your side, and gladly-not grudgingly-leave the rest to God and your spouse. This is the foundation up on which you can build good and health communication with your spouse.
- Stubbornness and Pouting
These two, I call them, “deadly weapons” needed to kill any good marriages. They are two sides of a coin. That means they come or go together. They come from one common view: “My way or the highway!” Or, “I am ALWAYS right.” This is called stubbornness.
The Bible says this about stubbornness:
“For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft,
And stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the Lord,
He also has rejected you from being king.”” 1 Samuel 15:23 NKJV
Wow! Did you see that?
Stubbornness has contempt to the word of God and God Himself because it is an expression of “pride!” Pride primarily says, “I AM GOD ON MY LIFE!”
Solution: – Seek humility! The Bible says,
“God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5b NJKV
Wow! Can you even imagine what kind of life that would be, a life that God resists? We don’t need to imagine it. We just have to look ourselves. We all are inflicted with this sin called pride. Unless we are intentionally going against it, we lead a God-resisted life. But do you know what a life that is full of grace looks like?
Look up! See Christ!
“For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” John 1:17 NKJV
What does this grace that comes to us through Christ do to us?
“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ,” Titus 2:11-13 NKJV
Wow! Did you see that? I pray, you did! The grace of God is not here to make us look good, as some people see it as. Rather, the grace of God is with us through Christ to “teach us” how to lead a Christ-like life.
- Spiritual deadness
Some people want to have a kind of marriage the Bible is talking about, the kind that glorifies God, you know, the one where the husband loves his wife as Jesus loved the church and died for her and the wife submits to her husband in all ways as the church submits to Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33).
However they are not willing to strive to walk as Jesus walked. They just want the godly marriage to drop down on their heads from heaven. And they sometimes think that it is their spouse’s fault that they are not blessed by a godly marriage. As long as they attend church services, they think they are okay. They are not willing to sit and eat “the living bread which came down from heaven” (John 6:51) on a daily basis as they eat all their three meals. Forget about praying! They don’t pray at all! Bible study? Are you serious? They hardly have time. They are busy making money!
Their marriages become dead because, remember, marriage is more of a spiritual entity than a physical one. God is the Author of marriage. Where there is a spiritual deadness, marriages cannot thrive!
Do I need to spell out the solution here?
Nah! The problem itself implicates the solution.
Please young people: Marriage is WORK – Worthwhile Opportunities Through Resources and Knowledge
There are worthwhile opportunities in a marriage where we can glorify God through dying for self, loving unconditionally, able to do all that through reading, studying, meditating and striving to obey the word of God, being established in the knowledge of Christ and His power.
No! Divorce is not a solution for dead marriages! Do not seek divorce. Please seek help! Seek counseling and do everything you can to keep your marriage. Yes, God hates divorce because divorce hurts us, it hurts our children and it hurts a society at large. ///