A4P Guest: I’m a 36 year-old woman and I’ve been dating a man (38 years old) for a couple years now. We both are born again Christians. This year, I was expecting him to propose to me but he doesn’t even talk about marriage at all. I told him in several occasions how much I desire to get married. But he usually changes the subject and avoids it totally. What do you advise me to do?
A4P: I have few questions for you before I jump into answering your questions. So, what do you mean when you say you are dating a man? How do you define dating? How does dating look like in your relationship?
A4P Guest: I mean, just dating, nothing else. We see each other almost every day and we speak on the phone almost every night before we go to bed.
A4P: Okay, let me make my question clear so you’ll give me a clear answer to the best of your knowledge with all honesty.
Does dating in your relationship include kissing, cuddling, sex and more?
A4P Guest: I know you are going to ask me that. But what does this question have to do with my question?
A4P: Everything! If you are a born-again Christian, you are a follower of God’s Word, Jesus Christ. If so, you should want me to answer your question according to the Word and the Will of God; not according to what I or others think. For me to tailor my answer around the Word of God, I need to know exactly what kind of dating we are talking about here.
A4P Guest: Even if we both know that being physical before marriage is wrong and sinful, we love each other so much that we can’t control ourselves whenever we see each other. I don’t think that is a big problem since I know that we eventually marry each other. And to tell you the truth, compare to what other people in our church are doing, I don’t think what I and my man are doing is that much of a big deal.
A4P: If you fly first class from Addis Ababa to Washington, DC and if the pilot announces to the passengers about an engine problem which may take the plane down into the Atlantic Ocean, do you say to yourself, “I’m in a better position than the people in the economy class”?
In light of this example, read your last statement to yourself and think. While you do that, let me move on to the next point.
My dear sister, a man gets motivated and excited to pursue a woman “he wants to know”. The Bible says, “Adam knew his wife.” (Genesis 4:1 KJV) It doesn’t say, “Adam knew a certain woman or his girlfriend or his fiancé” but it says, “his wife.”
Adam didn’t know Eve until he marries her. Your man knew you way before he marries you. Do you think he would be excited and motivated to pursue you anymore? To know you in what way? Think about it! Since he already knew you, he may be interested to pursue another woman he doesn’t know yet because in every man’s heart, there is this innate desire to pursue a woman to “know.” Being physical with a man you are not married to kills this innate passion to pursue you for marriage. It is too risky, especially for a woman to be physical with the man she is not married to.
If you two decide to get married in the middle of all these sinful dating styles, you may face many challenges as the sex outside marriage has a tendency to bring into your marriage lots of hurts, griefs, guilt, shame, pain; and death to so many of good gifts God has for you in the marriage.
So, my quick advice is this: Sex before marriage; being physical before marriage, invites disaster into your life and relationship (Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7:2-4; 1 Corinthians 3:16-17; 1 Corinthians 6:18-20; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 to mention a few).
If you are convicted of the Truth of God about sexual intimacy being only in the marriage, confess your sin and change your ways; means stop being physical with the man you are not married to (stop not only the sex but every physical relationship which can lead you to sex). If he says, “Well, if you are not going to be physical with me, why should I stay with you,” you got your answer. You move on with your life without him. If he gets convicted of his sin and agrees with you to confess his sin and return from his sinful ways, you got the right man on your hand and don’t let him get away! Marry him (assuming that he proposes to you! Most probably, he will propose to you if he genuinely repents of his sin and if he genuinely and sincerely has love for you.)
If this relationship won’t work, take a good lesson from it. Don’t be physical with any man you date. Save yourself (your body, soul and spirit) only to your wedded husband “to know”; nobody else.
Last point: Sexual attraction and pull between two Christian lovers is healthy as long as it is not allowed to overrule their desire to honor God in their life. When it is allowed to overrule and reject the Word of God, their sexual attraction turns into lust, not love. Lust means wanting to have sex with someone you are not married to (Matthew 5:27-28).
Always Remember this: LOVE WAITS! LOVE IS PATIENT! LOVE ALWAYS REJOICES WITH THE WORD, THE WILL AND THE TRUTH OF GOD! (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a) ///