“I Let Go the Girl I love”

A4P Guest: I’m a 32 year-old married man. Before I got married, I was seeing one Christian girl. I was very much in love with her and all. Then I met my high school classmate on Facebook and began chatting with her. I had a crush on her when we were in 11th grade. Other than that, there was nothing between us. Then before I knew it, I began spending more time with this girl on Facebook than with my girlfriend. Then, to make a long story short, I lost interest in pursuing my girlfriend and continued my relationship virtually with my high school classmate and decided to marry her. At the time, she was living in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia and I brought her here to the US. We are now expecting our first child. The problem is, to my surprise, I am realizing that I’m not actually in love with my wife but with my ex-girlfriend. I can’t stop myself from thinking about my ex. I can’t take her out of my mind. She is a strong Christian. While we were dating, she didn’t even let me touch her body let alone sleep with her. My wife, the first day she came from Addis Ababa, she was willing to sleep with me. We were not married. I felt guilty about it but she didn’t feel a thing. I constantly think about my ex-girlfriend’s devotion to Christ and sincere faith. She influenced my walk as a Christian. My wife cares less about Christ and the church. I am desperate now to find rest and peace to my soul. My ex-girlfriend is still single and I feel like I’m responsible for making her single for the last four years. I know divorce is not an option and even if I divorce my wife, my ex-girlfriend won’t take me in; I know that very well. I think she knows that I regret my decision. I say that because last time I ran into her in church and said to her, “I wish I could do life again.” She said, “It is not healthy for you to think like that; just try to make the best of what you have today and God will bless you and your life.” Oh, Missy, do you blame me for feeling guilty and for hating myself? She was my girl and I let her go. What should I do now?

A4P: My heart goes out to you, my dear brother! Oh, no, I won’t blame you! It must be tough. I can only imagine what it is like to lose the one you love. May the LORD comfort you!

My dear brother, I’m sure you know that I wouldn’t advise you to divorce your wife to go to your ex. You know that, don’t you?

A4P Guest: I’m afraid so.

A4P: Good. So, I agree with the advice your ex gave you. Try to make the best of what you have today and God will bless you and your life.

Your wife is your wife. She is a different person. She can’t be your ex. She has her own personality and her own way of doing life. It is not fair, actually it is not right, to compare her with any woman.

Lust and infatuation stole your heart and took you away from your girl. Now, make knowledge your weapon to fight back and do the next right thing so that you won’t make another terrible mistake. Know what the will of God is for your life and strive to live according to that knowledge. “What is the will of God for me,” you may ask.

Well, you are a husband of one woman and soon to be a father of one nation. Next to knowing God and trusting Him for your life, God’s will is for you to be the kind of husband and father the Word of God calls you to be. Don’t ever think that life will be better if you divorce your wife, reject your child, and go and marry your ex. That is a lie from hell.

Okay, you believe that you made a mistake for dumping a girl you loved to marry a girl you were infatuated with. Well, there is nothing you can do about that now. It is over, gone, passed! Now, you need to focus on your present life. Strive to do the next right thing. Learn to love your wife. Yes, love is something you cultivate and initiate.

I know it is easier said than done, but it is possible to do. I advise you to go to marriage seminars with your wife and learn about marriage and your role as a husband and a father. Invest yourself into your marriage. If it is something you can do, avoid seeing and meeting your ex-girlfriend. Do whatever you need to do so that you won’t have a chance to see her. If you have any pictures of her, emails, text messages, and whatnot, destroy them all for the sake of your life and your marriage. And please, find good Christian men you can seek God with — men who speak the truth of God into your heart and soul.

Lastly, let me say this: You are not the only one in this kind of situation. There are many people out there. Some left their warm home for the girl they met in a chatroom and they ruined the rest of their lives and some are in the process of letting go of their God-given blessings blinded by infatuation. So, please, once you find your inner healing, speak up so that you save others from making the same mistake. May the LORD speed your healing! ///

Two Important Disclaimers:

  1. The purpose of the above post is only to create awareness in the     area of dating and marriage. It is not in any way, shape, or form a reflection of all counseling sessions.
  2. Every story you read on this page is tailored in a way to cover the identity of the person who gave us permission to share their stories.