A4P Guest: I think I am married with the man you described in your post yesterday.

A4P: Uh-oh! What kind of man did you read in my post yesterday?

A4P Guest: My husband grew up with his mother and two of his younger sisters. And reading through your post yesterday, I thought for a second that you were writing about my husband.

A4P: Phew! But I was not, praise God!

A4P Guest: LOL! No, you were not. My husband and I’ve been married since 2018 and we have one son and one is on the way.

A4P: Very exciting! Congratulations!

A4P Guest: Thank you! And I am quietly struggling in my marriage. I feel like I am the man in my marriage and my husband is the wife. My husband is such a kind, down to earth a humble man. I love him and I care for him but sometimes I feel like he is not really a kind of man I wanted to marry.

A4P: Oh? Tell me a little bit about it.

A4P Guest: He is always on his toes to make me happy.

A4P: I mean, if you don’t want this kind of man, let me know because there are many single women I know who will gladly take him in a second.

A4P Guest: LOL! Funny! But seriously, his niceness is a bit off the board. He cleans, cooks and does everything in the house.

A4P: I was not trying to be funny when I said that by the way. Again, unless you tell me something that is truly annoying about him, I will be forced to call you a spoiled brat.

A4P Guest: Okay. I want him to lead. I am not created to be a leader of my husband but a follower. He is scared to lead and make any kind of decision. He waits for me what to do. I keep telling him that he is the head and he has to lead but the more I said that to him, the more I pushed him away from me. So, when I read yesterday’s post, I thought maybe my husband never had a father figure in his life and the only thing he knew was taking care of three emotionally wired women in his entire life. Let me give you one example, we are looking for a pre-school for our son and I want him to go to different school open house days so he will check different schools and decide which school to send our son to but he always says, “No, you go!” Missy, this is just one example I am giving you. I shout at him and we always argue and the issue is always the same. Now I start to talk to him as if he was a little boy. I hate doing thatL. I am not sure what to do. I am tired. I already feel like married for 40 years. What do I need to do?

A4P: Hmm! I now see clearly your frustrations.

A4P Guest: Thank you!

A4P: But let me ask you one simple question: What do you think is the solution?

A4P Guest: Missy, that is why I come to you. If I knew the solution, I wouldn’t come to you.

A4P: I know that but look my question closely and carefully. Let me ask you in a little different way: When you argue with him, when you ask him to do something, what is your goal? I am sure there is a goal in your mind.

A4P Guest: I don’t think I understand your question.

A4P: Okay. Let me state it differently. You said, you shout at him and you argue with him, right?

A4P Guest: Right!

A4P: Why? What are you trying to accomplish?

A4P Guest: I want him to man up! I want him to do what needs to be done! He shouldn’t wait for me to tell him what to do and when I tell him what to do, he asks me to do it because he is scared of facing any life challenges.

A4P: Good answer! Okay, so, your husband is scared to go and look for a school for his son. So, you by shouting at him and arguing with him, you think your husband stops being scared of facing life challenges?

A4P Guest: I really don’t know. I told him to have men friends but he is interacting with men superficially. He doesn’t learn anything from them. My sister’s husband is a true leader and I told him – – –

A4P: Hold on a second! You told your husband to see another man and copy him?

A4P Guest: What else can I do?

A4P: I am glad you came here and I kindly and humbly ask you to listen to me carefully! No man wants to be compared with another man. The same can be said about women too. You cannot motivate and inspire a man by admiring and appreciating another man in front of him. This is Marriage 101 class education. You said, your husband didn’t have a father figure in his life. Can you change his past by you shouting at him? No, you can’t! The only thing you can successfully accomplish by shouting at your husband is to burn your home/marriage into ashes. The Bible says,

“A wise woman strengthens her family, but a foolish woman destroys hers by what she does.” Proverbs 14:1 NCV

So, please listen carefully!

Your husband wants to be a man, he desires to be a strong leader to his wife and children but He couldn’t. Just because he is not telling you his deep seated desires doesn’t mean that it is not in him. And here is the good news: No man is created to be a head of his wife! Did you hear that? No man! So, your man is not exceptional. After the fall of Adam, all men’s godly masculinity died with them. The sinful inborn nature of most men is to be a dictator or to totally shy away from their call of leadership. A man may lead a company successfully but he fails to lead one woman in his house. Home, a marriage between one man and one woman, is a spiritual institution that needs a spiritual leading because its origin is found in God. Yes, if your husband has a father figure, things might have been a bit different for him. However when it comes to you, his wife, even if he had a perfect past, you still put him on a pedestal and tell him where he needs to improve.

What am I saying?

You play a big role in your husband’s role of leadership. I don’t think I will be able to tell you everything I wanna tell you here but there is one book I am thinking right now which may be a good help for you: “Finding the Hero in Your Husband,” by Dr. Juli Slattery.

But before I pen off, let me say this:

Accept your husband! This is one precious gift you can give to the man you love. Take him as he is. I am not asking you to accept any abusive acts on his part but I am asking you to accept and embrace him as a person and his past too. He didn’t ask for his past to be the way it was. He found himself in it. And you cannot delete that out of his life by shouting at him. Kill your “imaginary man” you carry with yourself. If that man is your sister’s husband or any other man, kill him in your mind and heart by loving and accepting your husband and refusing to compare your husband with any man. Your husband is one and a unique one. He shouldn’t look like anybody. He shouldn’t act like anybody else but himself. What he is unable to do but you are able to do, see it as a God-given opportunity for you to be your husband’s “suitable helper.” I mean, after all, that is your call (Genesis 2:18). If there was no area in your husband’s life that calls for a help, what would be your role in his life? Think about it! But the book I recommended to you will mentor you well. Please don’t read it like a novel but as a text book, having your pen, note book and Bible ready next to you.

Precious, you’re blessed to have him. Do you understand that? Do you know how many women are physically, mentally and sexually abused by their husbands? You are not one of them. Thank God for blessing you and your children with this kind and tender hearted man. Thank God for giving you a husband like him. (More you can find from the book). ///

P. S. I bought “Finding the Hero in Your Husband” book a long time ago, I think from Amazon. I don’t know any other way to find it. If you find the pdf of this book, please share with others. Thank you!