A4P Guest: I am a mother of two little kids. It’s been six years since I got married. My husband and I are Christians. I recently found on my husband’s phone porn pictures and videos. I was shocked and shaking because my husband serves in our church as a worship leader and I thought he was a spiritual man. I cried and confronted him. First, he denied saying that it is a bug that people are sending into his phone but later he confessed saying that it was his first time viewing porn. He cried and asked me to forgive him and we prayed together and I thought everything was over. Then last week, in the middle of the night, I found my husband watching porn videos in our living room on our TV screen. I screamed like crazy, asking him to leave the house. Our kids were sleeping but I was screaming and crying. I don’t know where he went but he left the house, but in an hour or so, he came back and fell on my knees saying, “Forgive me and help me.” When I ask him how I can help him, he said, he starts going to porn when I began getting pregnant and being sick with morning sickness; and after my second child, I don’t have any sexual desire and he also mentioned that saying, it’s been two weeks since we had sex and I don’t have any other place to go. So, instead of going to another woman, I am trying to save our marriage by going to porn.

So, my question to you, Missy, is this: What should I do to have sexual desires and be intimate with my husband and save my husband and my marriage?”

A4P: Hmm! So you held yourself responsible for your husband’s sin? Very sad! Sweetheart, nobody is responsible for a person’s sin but the person him/herself.

So, the problem in your marriage is not you but the fact that your husband is not taking responsibility for his own sinful habits.

Yes, it is good to find an answer as to why you lost your sexual desires. There might be underlying untreated depression, like post-partum depression, which may come right after giving birth to a child or taking care of little kids. I really encourage you to seek counseling for that. However, your goal for seeking counseling should be for your own well-being, not so “you will be sexually available to your husband so he stops viewing porn.” That is like, eating apple for your husband to be healed from a lung cancer!

And the other thing is that the fact that your husband is a worship leader won’t make him a spiritual guru. Just because he has a talent to lead a worship service doesn’t mean that he has “a talent” to lead a Christian life.

My assumption is you didn’t get premarital counseling. If so, I encourage you to seek marriage counseling where you learn what your God-given role as a wife is, to know where your responsibility starts and ends.

It is your first time to find out that your husband had a porn problem but porn is not a new thing for your husband. Again, my assumption is he had been watching porn way before he married you.

And you should know this about porn: People won’t go to porn because they don’t get sexual outlet; rather because their soul is sick and wounded by so many things. Going to porn is actually known as “a soul cry for authentic intimacy.” Some people are hurt by their fathers, or had been inappropriately touched by older men when they were little kids and their sexual nature is compromised. There are so many reasons for people to go to porn.

In the first place, there is no sexual fulfillment in porn, only burning in the fire of lust.

So, your husband has to stop blaming you for his own sinful behavior and has to get up and go to the people who can help him to break free from this bondage. I see that you guys live here in the US and one of the ministries I heard a lot about from men who broke free from porn addiction is New Life Ministries.

Their toll free number is 1-800-NEW-LIFE and their website is: newlife.com. Your husband has to contact them and ask for help. If he cannot afford to pay for the service, he has to show his income tax return so they can give them a scholarship.

I hope and pray that he seeks help and you too seek counseling for your condition so you lead a healthy life.

Remember, men usually don’t seek help unless they are one step away from death especially in situations like this. So, make it clear to him that you won’t live with him unless he cleans his life from this filthy stuff. Porn is demonic and it will affect your life and the lives of your little ones. So, if he is not willing to take it seriously, you take it seriously. ///