A4P Guest: How do I forgive my husband?
A4P: What did he do?
A4P Guest: He cheated on me with one of my friends.
A4P: Wow! I mean, this is not one of those simple marital issues. This is huge!
A4P Guest: I know! That is why I am struggling to forgive him. I sometimes wonder if divorcing him was a better option.
A4P: Hold on a second. When you say, “he cheated on me,” I assume that this is something that happened in the past. Or, is he still sleeping with the other woman and he is coming home and sleeping with you?
A4P Guest: No! It happened in the past. He confessed to me and cried over my feet after I found out. But the pain and hurt that caused me is getting worse by the day.
A4P: How long ago did this happen?
A4P Guest: Seven years ago.
A4P: Wow! Long time ago!
A4P Guest: I know! My husband already realized that he did a grievous sin and he felt sorry but he doesn’t seem to understand my pain.
A4P: You mean, he doesn’t understand why you are not moving on, forgetting what happened?
A4P Guest: Yes!
A4P: Please tell him this: If a person gets hit by a track and you find him on the roadside, bleeding and struggling to breath, you don’t say to him, “Get up and move on with your life. The track driver apologized for hitting you.” Instead, you seek help for that person to get healed from the open wounds that he sustained in the accident.
A4P Guest: Two of our church pastors came to our home and heard the story. They asked him to fall on my feet and ask me to forgive him. I cried too and said, “Okay, I forgive you,” and they prayed for us. But I am still stuck, as if that day didn’t yet pass.
A4P: I totally understand you. I am sure you have zillions of unanswered questions for your husband that you are scared to ask him because you fear to hear the answers.
A4P Guest: YES!
A4P: You want to ask him questions such as: Where did that happen, how it happened, what he said to the woman and what the woman said to him and all the details of “the crime.” And you want to know what you did to him that pushed him to the other woman.
A4P Guest: YES!
A4P: Listen to me carefully: Even if the answers to all your questions may aggravate your pain, they give you some closures, closures that you may not otherwise be able to find. And you need to ask your husband every question you want to ask him but you guys may need someone to come between you two. You may want to call one of the pastors so things won’t go out of control. After you have a session or two like this, you can ask him whenever you have “flashes” of the episode. Remember, even if you were not there when the crime happened, your brain has already draw its own version of the episode. So, it is good to ask him so you have all the truths. But both of you need to know that you are doing this Q&A thing for the purpose of restoring your marriage, not destroying it. That is why I said, you need someone to come between you two so they can guide the discussion in the right direction, i.e. restoration. If your husband regrets about the past, he may not want to hear or talk about it hundred times. He wants to forget it. Why? He too has pain to deal with. So, for the sake of your and your husband’s well-being, both of you need to cooperate to restore your marriage, putting each other’s need, desire, pain and hurt ahead of you. I know, it is hard to do but it is doable by the help of God. And guess what? Since God is for your marriage, He will be with both of you, restoring and rebuilding your marriage but above all, healing your hearts and souls. So, God will strengthen and protect both of you through the process. God is the One who said, “the two shall become one.” So, He will help you both to stay as one. But please, don’t just sit there and expect the pain to disappear. The pain won’t go anywhere unless work is done! Otherwise, after another seven years, you will find yourself in the same spot with more pain and hurt. Don’t do this to yourself. Seek your healing so you, once again, start to enjoy your marriage and life. ///