I have known Messayei since he joined my brother’s orphanage, Pefan almost twelve or thirteen years ago. He came in as a ten or eleven years old boy. Messayei grew up in Pefan, very close to his father, Fish (my brother). Messayei had always been a very loving and caring person. Last time I saw him was last summer when I was visiting my parents in Addis. My parents always called for him if something didn’t work in t

My kids loved Messi and they loved spending time with him a lot because Messayei spoke very good English and knew how to make them laugh.

Messayei and I spoke briefly about God and relationship last time I saw him and he told me that he had been reading English Bible since he was in high school. I encouraged him to continue reading the Bible and seeking God.

Messayei was a third year computer engineering student in Addis Ababa University.

Oh, how eager I was to see him with a black tuxedo, graduating from university with a degree, holding his professional job and becoming a one woman-man and a father of many!

Oh, no, that dream of mine will never come true because yesterday night, I heard that Messayei committed suicide, leaving a letter to his father.

I sobbed; I wailed and screamed until I felt like my head turned into tears. My brother called me; I begged him to say that the news were wrong or falls. I wanted to wake up so that it would be one of those bad dreams. But it was not dream. It was real. I heard my brother’s cry through the phone.

Oh, my brother can’t handle this. Throughout the Pefan history, he lost three kids for different reasons, but this time he lost one not because of disease or accident but for suicide and it was Messi who committed suicide. Oh, what did my kind brother do to deserve this? He is a very kind and devoted person. He wanted to see Messi to become somebody, not to die at this early age.

But Messayei disappeared like morning dew. He left as if his life was like nothing but a vapor. Why did he kill himself? My brother is a very devoted father. He doesn’t play around when it comes to fathering his kids. They may be more than 60 kids but for him, he treats each one of them as if they were the only ones for him. He loves each one of them to death. He takes none of them for granted.

So, why did Messayei decide to do such a thing? Did he think about his father and how much suffering his father sustained to raise him?

Few hours before he committed suicide, he tried to reach his father but his father was asleep. He couldn’t reach him. What was he thinking when he called my brother? Was he trying to call his dad for help? Was he about to say to his father, “Please help me; I want to kill myself but at the same time I don’t want. I’m scared. I don’t know how to pass this moment; please help me?”

Oh, no, Messayi was a strong man; a kind and compassionate person. As my brother told me, Messi was naturally a fearful person. He even fears darkness, let alone thinking to do such a thing, to hang himself. Oh, no, let that be to his enemy, not to Messi!

He had no drug or alcohol addiction. I know that Messi spent most of his time on the Internet. He was a computer savvy. Oh, no, I don’t want to think about any other addiction right now because I will blame myself for not talking to him about other addictions. Oh, no, I pray Messi was not in any other addiction which claimed his life. My brother talked to all his kids about sex, porn addiction and everything else. He doesn’t leave anything for chance. He counseled each one of his kids about life struggles.

I pray there is something to do with mental sickness but Messi had no mental sickness. His father is very close to him. Messi was a very good student but not to the point to care more about school. That was the only issue Messi had with his father and other issues but who would think that Messi would one day do such a thing. He had bright mind but he didn’t want to invest on his mind and school that much and that delayed his graduation for a year or two. Maybe that caused him to think about suicide? Oh, I don’t know!

My Berhan talked to Messi last time when Berhan was in Addis and Berhan was very impressed by Messi’s knowledge and understanding of computer engineering. We were thinking where Messi would be ten years from that day. Who would have thought that his last day would be on July 8th, 2014????? NONE!

Messi is gone now. He left his biological, bedridden father and his loving adopted father, Fish. Messi didn’t have anybody except Pefan family, a family who loves him very dearly. Unless Messayei had been taken over by some kind of evil power, he wouldn’t have done this. He knows that everybody loves him to death. He knows that his father, my loving brother, would have given his life for him if that was the case.

No, No, No! Messi didn’t do this; the evil one forced him. I refused to believe that Messi chose this. A spirit of some sort took over his life. Oh, how I wish he sought help but how could he do that if he didn’t know how to do it? Maybe he did but was not able to. This thought itself breaks my heart.

I think I have to stop here but I can’t stop here without leaving a note to Messi. Who knows he may read it.

Oh, Messayei, Messiyei, my dear beloved nephew, how I miss you already. I can’t believe that I can’t see you again. I’m planning to come to Addis soon but you, Messi, are not going to be there. Oh, how I wish I reached to you; how I wish I was next to you when you were struggling with suicidal thought; how I wish I was there next to you just to let you know that everything is going to be alright. You are gone now, Messi, my lovely, handsome nephew. Your father loves you and won’t get tired of talking about you. You know what he wrote me few hours ago? Oh, he wrote “Messi my son loves my perfume a lot. I can’t wait to spray on my son his favorite perfume one last time.” I don’t know how he is going to let you go. Three Pefan kids are already gone now but I never thought that there was a fourth one and didn’t know that it was you, Messi. Oh, did I tell you how much I love you? I wonder if I ever did as much as I want to tell you now. If I ever said “I love you”, I am sure I didn’t say it as if to say it one last time. Oh, Messayeie, I love you very much. Your cheerful smile and caring gestures will never leave my heart. I am so glad to know you, Messi, but I have never thought that I had to say “Good-bye”

to you this early. I wish I knew this coming so that when you gave me that squishy hug last time, I would have asked you to give me one more time. I guess too late. I don’t even know how to say “Good-bye” to you because good-bye is usually for the person you will see again. For you, to my nephew I can’t see again, saying good-bye is not good enough. Oh, Messi, so long, my lovely nephew! I love you very much my dear!

To my brother (FissehaTsion Tadesse Kifetew), who sacrifices his life to those who are unfortunate, to my brother Fish who gives everything he has to all who come at his door for help, what can I say to you, my brother? All words I know failed me here, my dear! None of them are good enough to be said here. May the LORD comfort you with His Spirit. What kind of comforting statement can undo the hurt and brokenness you are feeling right now???? Nothing! I can’t even imagine your pain, my brother. May the LORD comfort you! May the LORD reach out to you! May He touch you and comfort you! As you give your life to them, may the LORD bless the rest of your kids! May the LORD see you through this! God of all comfort be with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ///

P.S. The first picture is my brother and Messayei and the next picture is the close up picture of Messayei. Official website of Pefan is: pefan.org.