Many marriage teachers, researchers, experts and counselors, after they invest their time and energy in helping struggling married couples so they stay married for many years, they usually change gear and make their focus not on helping married couples but on teaching and mentoring unmarried couples so they can prepare them for a healthy and lasting and thriving marriage.
I am no exception!
As they say, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!”
So, I encourage couples who are dating now and planning to get married in the future to sit and discuss on critical life issues, issues that can make or break their yet-to be made marriages, issues such as:
- How to Raise our kids
What are your values in raising kids? How do you want to raise your kids? Do you two agree to send your little ones to a day-care from 6am to 6pm and be taken care of by a person who has absolutely no love or care for them or one of you, preferably the mother to be to stay home and raise your kids? Are you going to have kids just because everybody has or your families, the society and friends expect you to have or are you going to have kids to raise them in God’s way, to raise a generation of people who worship God?
This kind of discussion helps the couple to come out of those “emotional highs” and think logically and rationally putting their future in mind because marriage is not a wedding but a lifetime journey. You see, sometimes people get drunk in that alcohol called “love” and “dream of wedding” don’t even know who they are planning to marry. This kind of discussion makes them to be sober and think right.
Christians, true followers of Christ, don’t give birth to children for the sake of just having kids but to raise people who know and worship God.
- When to seek counseling
Oh, yes! Before you tie the knot, sit and discuss with the person you are deciding to marry as to when you two need to seek counseling. Some people believe that counseling is for losers! That is a lie from Satan’s mouth! Counseling is actually for healthy marriages which strive and thrive so Christ will be glorified and seen in and through them. Not only about counseling, but it is also good to discuss to read books on marriage, preferably biblical books and attend marriage seminars where you can learn more about marriage.
Discuss and see the willingness you both have to seek counseling before you future marital issues escalate to something serious. If a person you plan to marry refuses or belittle counseling and seek advice from others, it is good to rethink to marry him/her (assuming that you are a kind of person who believes in counseling since the Bible says: “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, But with many counselors they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22 NASB).
- Decide to avoid disrespectful words
Name-calling, character assassination, shouting and yelling at each other as a way to show your disagreement or anger are the most destructive ways of handling marital issues. They are known to destroy any form of relationship including beautiful marriages. So, way before you think about marriage, sit and talk and at the same time, while you’re dating, see and notice how you disagree and handle conflicts. If these things are alive and well in your dating, they sure will be in your marriage. Learn to cut them out from your relationship or stop dating the person (assuming that you are not the person with this problem).
Decide now while you are far away from marriage not to welcome shouting, yelling and name calling. Say no to any conditions, excuses or reasons to welcome these destructive, disrespectful and dehumanizing ways of solving your issues. Learn to sit and talk!
- Discuss and agree to go for a vacation alone
Some married couples take vacation every year with other three or five or seven married couples.
Why?
I DON’T KNOW!
Vacation is a good time couples renew and rejuvenate their relationships. For a special occasion, like for a family reunion or something, it is good to go to a vacation with other couples but not every year.
So, you two, while you’re dating, talk about this issue and decide to take your own vacation. When and if God decides to bless your marriage with little ones, take them with you. Most vacation sites, family friendly hotels and resorts have programs for kids, so they take your kids for a couple hours while you two enjoy your alone time. A perfect time to give “a face lift” to your intimacy, communication, love and care!
- No Pregnancy, no house, no guest rule!
For the first year or two of your marriage, have this rule: No pregnancy, no house and no guest rule.
The Bible says,
“When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken.” Deuteronomy 24:5 NASB
The first one and two years of your marriage are critical years; they are times which should be set aside to seriously build the foundation of the rest of your married life.
When house builders build a house, unless they take their time and energy to make the foundation strong, they can’t build a house which withstands the storm, the wind and the flood that come against the house (Matthew 7:24-27). In the same way, unless you make yourself and your spouse free from the rest of the world at least for the first two years of your married life, you won’t be able to build a strong marriage. You don’t want any distraction or anything that competes for your attention except for your spouse. So, these two critical years of marriage are to be set apart to travel, to have fun, to invest on each other to love and care and to study and know each other mentally, physically, spiritually, sexually and emotionally.
Will continue next week – – – ///