Respecting Our Husbands — Continued
We are still rolling with the topic of “respecting our husbands,” aren’t we? I love it!
Why?
First, because it is the truth of God; and second, because I am the wife of one man. So this topic hits home—and it hits the heart—if you know what I mean.
If this is your first time seeing this post, please scroll down and read the previous posts so that this one will make better sense to you, because it is a direct continuation of the last post.
In the previous posts, we looked at several biblical principles that help a wife understand what her call to respect her husband really means:
- You respect God when you respect your husband.
- Have respect for yourself.
- Know that your husband is not you.
- Among human relationships, your respect for your husband has a unique priority—though it never supersedes your obedience to God.
- Respect is not merely an inward feeling.
- Respect is honest.
We began the next principle but stopped before discussing it:
Silence Is Not Always Respect
Believe me, there are many times when silence is wise and should be appreciated. Sometimes we rush to conclusions before we understand the whole situation (guilty of that myself many times). It can be good to remain quiet for a time so that we can think, pray, calm down, and listen carefully.
The Word of God says:
“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge,
and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.” Proverbs 17:27 (ESV)
Temporary silence can be wise. However, silence should not become an indefinite refusal to communicate.
Some wives, out of anger or frustration, withdraw into silence because they believe it will solve their marital problems—or because they want to punish their husbands. But prolonged, punitive silence does not bring resolution. It can communicate, “I do not want to talk to you,” “You do not matter to me,” or even, “You are invisible to me.”
That kind of silence is not respectful. It is dismissive.
There is a difference between saying:
“I am too upset to speak wisely right now. Please give me some time to pray and calm down, and then let us return to this conversation,”
and refusing to speak indefinitely without explanation.
The first can be an act of wisdom and self-control. The second may become a means of punishment, manipulation, or avoidance.
A wife should present her thoughts and concerns honestly and respectfully. If she consistently receives contempt, intimidation, manipulation, or hostility in return, it may be time to seek wise, biblical counseling.
Responding to disrespect with disrespect will only make matters worse.
Listen to Your Husband Carefully
Respect includes a willingness to listen.
Listening is not passive. It is active.
When a wife listens to her husband, she gives him her careful attention. She is not merely waiting for her turn to speak. She is not using the time to prepare her next response, search for a way to win the discussion, or prove that she is right.
Instead, she listens attentively because she genuinely wants to understand what he is saying.
Listening requires humility. It says:
“Let me not focus only on what I believe is right. Let me not spend this entire time planning what I will say next. Let me first hear him and seek to understand what he means.”
James writes:
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” James 1:19 (ESV)
Slowing down before we speak gives us time to think, control our emotions, and listen carefully to the person who is speaking.
Listening does not necessarily mean agreeing. Nor does listening require a wife to ignore sin, accept error, or surrender her biblically informed conscience. It means that she takes her husband seriously enough to hear him carefully before responding.
Honor Your Husband’s Leadership
After a husband and wife have listened to each other respectfully, a Christian wife should honor her husband’s God-given responsibility to lead their family.
She can express her concerns honestly, ask questions, and appeal to him when she believes he is making an unwise decision.
However, if the matter is not sinful and they still disagree after careful discussion and prayer, she should seek to support his leadership rather than continually fighting to have her own way.
At the same time, a husband’s headship does not mean that he is always wiser, that he never needs correction, or that he has the right to act selfishly. Biblical headship calls him to love his wife sacrificially, as Christ loved the church.
A wife’s submission is ultimately an expression of her obedience to God. But no husband has authority to command his wife to sin, violate her conscience where Scripture binds it, conceal a crime, or remain in danger.
Her highest allegiance always belongs to Christ.
The outcome of faithful obedience belongs to God. A wife can entrust herself, her husband, and her marriage to the Lord while continuing to use the wisdom and lawful means He provides.
A Gentle and Quiet Spirit
Peter writes:
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” 1 Peter 3:1–6 (ESV)
Notice the final words:
“And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”
Peter is not teaching wives to become voiceless, fearful women. A “gentle and quiet spirit” does not mean that a woman must never speak, raise a concern, correct an error, or seek help. It describes an inward character that rests its hope in God rather than being ruled by fear.
The phrase “they may be won without a word” also does not mean that a wife must remain completely silent about the gospel or every marital concern. Peter is teaching that the respectful and pure conduct of a believing wife can bear powerful witness to a husband who is disobedient to the Word.
Sarah’s example does not make her sinless, nor does it command every wife to address her husband as “lord.” Peter points us to the holy women’s hope in God and their willingness to honor their husbands.
An Important Word About Abuse
These biblical principles must never be twisted into weapons that protect an abusive husband, silence a suffering wife, or pressure her to remain in immediate danger.
A marriage marked by physical or sexual violence, threats, severe intimidation, criminal conduct, or other serious abuse requires more than ordinary teaching about marital communication.
A wife in danger should seek safety and contact trustworthy pastoral help, qualified counselors, and the appropriate civil authorities. Calling for help is not necessarily rebellion against a husband. Government is also an authority established by God to restrain and punish wrongdoing.
Less severe but persistent patterns of neglect, manipulation, contempt, verbal cruelty, and controlling behavior must also be taken seriously and addressed with wise biblical help.
Biblical submission never requires participation in sin, concealment of evil, or passive cooperation with abuse.
Encourage What Is Good
The next biblical principle a wife needs to understand is this:
Encourage what is good.
A wife should learn to recognize and encourage what is good in her husband. This is one way she can respect him in a manner that serves both of them and glorifies God in their marriage.
Next time, Lord willing, we will continue from here. ///