Aftershock Effect of Sex Outside of Marriage

“Before we got married, one day we found ourselves alone in my apartment and in the heat of it all, we had sex. We knew that it was sin against God but from that day on, we continued to have sex at least twice a week. We somehow couldn’t stop. We knowingly continued sinning against God. Every time we had sex, we enjoyed it even though we felt guilty all

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the time. We were looking forward to our marriage to do sex without feeling guilty. But after we got married, we have no sexual pleasure. It feels like getting married spoiled it all. It took all the sexual pleasure we used to experience. We confessed our sin and we even went to our pastor, told him everything and he prayed for us. But our marital bed becomes a war zone. I blame her and she blames me for our past sin. I can’t perform and she doesn’t have any sexual desire at all. I don’t feel anything looking at her naked body and she is not sensitive for any of my touch either. It’s now been eight months since we got married and we have no sexual pleasure at all. We both hate our bedroom. Other than confessing our sin to God and to our pastor, what else can we

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This is what I call “the aftershock” effect of sex outside marriage.

In medicine, when a patient goes to an emergency room for overdose or binge drinking or what have you, they first “detoxify” the person from the toxin before they treat the underlining addiction and/or psychological problems which led the person to that stage. This process is called “detoxification” (removal of the toxin). The goal in all detox is to bring the person back to normal.

Detoxification doesn’t treat the patient’s addiction problem or any underlying physical and/or psychological problems.

Detoxification is not an enjoyable process for the person who is addicted to a substance or to the person who wants to kill him/herself because it brings them back to normal. Their body will be free of the toxin. After detox, their brain won’t be cloudy anymore. They can see, hear and think clearly. They face the reality of their life clearly. Their psych is back to normal; at least for a time being.

Once patients are free of the toxin, they will immediately go back to their addiction the next day or try to kill themselves again unless otherwise they are put in some kind of treatment or therapy and/or counseling programs immediately after detox. Not only that but they have to have some sort of support system which may help them go through the process that may, in some cases, takes years. During this time, some may get depressed and feel hopeless. But as the day goes by, slowly but surely if they stay the course, they start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. They start embracing a life that is free of any toxin and/or psychological problems (such as depression or anxiety) which were destroying their lives from the inside out. Then they will look back and say “Was it me who was in that dungeon?”

Do you see where I’m going with that? Do you see the connection?

Just like that when people get involved in premarital sex, they will get contaminated by a toxin called sin. As they keep on taking that toxin, they get addicted to it.

The first day they face the full blown of the consequences of their sin is the day they get overdosed with the toxin (the Bible says: Your sin will find you out, Numbers 32:23).

And at this time they know that something is not right and they confess their sin. Then they will find out that confessing their sin is not going to solve their problem. So they go to their pastor and confess their sin. That is a process I call “spiritual detoxification”. Then most of the time, the couple wants to go home and enjoy sex.

But our mind, body and spirit can’t just switch from one lifestyle to another in one night (in unique and exceptional situations, visitation of God can do miracle in people’s life and their lives can be switched overnight from one extreme to another but this kind of visitation cannot be true for everyone).

So after a couple goes through a process called spiritual detoxification, they have to go through the process I call “all-around healing” which may take some time.

During the all-around healing process, their minds will be renewed by the Word of God. Their spiritual health receives major treatment as they sit and study the Word of God. They learn what marriage and sexual pleasure are all about according to the Word of God. They seek God with others who are sincerely and genuinely seek God and live for God.

Then they confidently declare their victory. After this step, most couples experience a sexual pleasure they never knew exist. What they called pleasure before they got married was nothing compare to the pleasure they are experiencing after they receive their “all around healing”. They can’t express this pleasure; only experience it.

To my surprise, in most cases, couples who go through these tough processes are the ones who seek close fellowship with God; they are the ones who seek God with all their hearts and minds; and most of the time, these couples are the ones who eventually choose to serve God and others.

Whenever I teach this topic to live audience, I sometimes see couples looking at each other, as if to say “We had sex before marriage but we didn’t go through this tough road she is talking about. We must be lucky or our sin might not be that bad.”

Oh, may the LORD reveal to them the truth. When they see and understand the truth as it is, they desire to be instruments of God; then their desire in turn puts them through the tough road of being set apart for God and the Work of God.

Good Marriages don’t just happen

Looking at a beautiful garden, will you say “they are lucky to have this garden”? No, you won’t because you know that it is not luck which gave them the beautiful garden but their hard work.

In the

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same way, beautiful marriages don’t just happen by chance or luck.

Own the Blame

Hmm, when we knowingly sin against God, we have nobody else to blame but ourselves.


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can’t say “I don’t have strength to say “No” to sin”, because God’s word says, “My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Corinthians 12:9). We can’t say, “I didn’t know”, because His Word says that we have received anointing from Him and we don’t need anyone to teach us (1 John 2:27). We can’t say, “I don’t have what others have” because His Word says, “His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3), on and on.

Every Truth of God shows us that we are the ones to be blamed for our sins, nobody else, not others, not situations and circumstances, and not God, nor the devil.

When we blame others, we are indirectly saying: “If I was not married to this woman, I would have led a sexually pure life.”

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Or, “If I was not in this dark situation, I would have been leading a sexually pure lifestyle.” Or, the famous one, “If it was not for the devil, by now I would have been the one to resurrect the dead ones.”

God’s Word always reflects to us who we really are, and in a way warns us not to transfer the blame to anyone but ourselves. And that is a very important truth we need to keep in our hearts.

Do you know why that is important? Well, when we know that we have nobody to blame, we realize that what we are actually fighting against is who we are.

Then perhaps we may be able to come to Him and cry, “Abba Father, save me from myself”; a wonderful prayer God loves to answer!!!

Realistic Expectation

Expecting different outcome while doing the same thing in the same way is like expecting our cars one day to fly us on the sky. It ain’t happen!

Sexual sin won’t leave us alone until we change our “routines” which got us in trouble in the first place. If we are still taking that corner and dark place in the library, not to study but in fact to do our own secret stuff, we won’t be free from our sin. Actually we tighten up the grip of sin on our life. “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)

Be radical and change your routines so that you will forsake your sin. Then you will find out that after all victory was at your doorstep, and you will also stop blaming God for not answering your prayers.

Oh, Precious, God does hear your prayers and He answers them. But always remember this: God won’t do your part; only His.