“I thought I loved her but – – -”

A4P Guest: “I’m a 25-year-old man. I am one of the solo singers in my church. I graduated from university with my first degree in electrical engineering last year and I am currently working on my profession. I wanted to start a brand new life this year. The problem is, a year ago; I made the most serious mistake of my life. I slept with one of the girls who sing in our church choir. She is very pretty and loves God like nobody else. The next day, I went to her and asked her forgiveness and we both cried before God. Then I went to one of the ministers in our church and told him the whole story. He counseled both of us and told us to stay away from ministry for three months which we both did. Throughout those three months, I was fasting and praying and going for counseling with this particular minister who restored my life. The thing is, Missy, I don’t want to have any relationship with the girl I slept with. I know you may judge me here for saying that but please hear me well first. I thought I loved her but after that incidence; I didn’t even want to see her. Whenever I see her, I remember the whole episode which I don’t want to remember in my life. I lusted after her and the consequence of my lust had been the most painful experience of my life. She wanted to continue to have a relationship with me saying that I was her first. She cried on me lots of times. I couldn’t open my mouth to tell her that I have no love for her. Oh, God, please help me. I know I sinned against her, the church and God; but I can’t punish myself by marrying her for what I did. I have interest to neither marry nor have any relationship with her. Please Missy, understand me. Two of her sisters quoted the story of King David’s Son, Amnon, who slept with his sister, Tamar (2 Samuel 13), and later despised her and how God punished him. But our case is not like that. I didn’t rape her. We both agreed to do it and we both made the stupidest mistake of our lives. Even if I struggle to forgive myself, I can’t force myself to marry her against my desire. Everybody thinks that I have another relationship with another girl for rejecting her but I don’t and I don’t think I will have any relationship with any girl soon. I want to first find myself. Please advise me how to communicate this with her without hurting her.”

A4P: My brother, you sinned against God, the girl, the church and yourself. You asked the girl to forgive you. You also asked God to forgive you. You confessed your sin to the body of Christ and stayed away from ministry as you were instructed. Through the restoration process, you forsook your sin. I greatly applaud you for doing all that! As far as God and the body of Christ are concerned, you are a brand new person whose sins have been washed away by the blood of Jesus.
So, I have no ground to judge you.
However, as a woman, I wish if you could marry the girl and be with her. For a girl, losing her virginity, whether because of a stupid mistake or rape, is a huge disaster, especially for a Christian girl who loves God and strives to live according to the Word of God. You may not have feeling for her but, please hear me, she may probably have a very strong feeling for you. So, try to understand her.
To marry a person who you have no feeling or emotion for is not something I advise you to do. Sure, it is always wise not to base our decisions in life by what we feel but we can’t ignore our feelings and emotions either because they are there for a purpose.
Here is what I think you need to do then: Make appointment with the minister who counseled you. Tell him what you want to do and ask him to pray for you. Then, fast and pray and make appointment with the girl. With respect and fear in your heart, ask the girl to forgive you one last time for what you did and tell her that you love her as your sister in Christ but don’t have any plan to have any relationship with her.
Stay away from statements such as, “I’ve never loved you, I don’t love you.” Your decision is enough to communicate that fact with her. Remember, she may wish you killed her than telling her this. It is going to be a very painful thing for her to hear. That means, you can’t communicate with her without hurting her. Have compassion for her in your heart.
Please do not preach to her and do not try to quote any Bible verse to make your point. Just make your point short and clear. Don’t try to explain things so that she can understand it. She may never ever understand your decision.
After that, I believe, this is the one thing you need to do for yourself for you to be able to move on with life: Forgive yourself.
Forgiving self is usually the hardest step to take in the process of restoration. Sometimes it is easier to forgive others than self. And unless you forgive yourself, you will live in the prison of your past mistakes.
Free yourself and say, “I forgive myself for the mistake I made. I learn from my past mistakes but I won’t let my mistakes be setbacks which keep me from experiencing God’s mercy, love and grace in my life. ”
May the LORD help you. ///