A4P Guest: I’m a 26-year-old Christian girl, and I’m a fourth year university student. I’m one of the five leaders of the campus Christian fellowship (two of us are girls). Through time and from working very closely in this fellowship, I developed a strong feeling to one of the guys, but he doesn’t seem to have any special feelings for me other than seeing me as his sister-in-Christ. Is it okay for me to pursue him? Is it okay for me to ask him for a date?
A4P: My heart goes out to you. It’s just a tough spot for a young girl like you to find herself in. I know you may wish me saying something like, “It is okay for a girl to ask a man for a date; there is no Bible verse that forbids her to do that. It is just culture, – – -“
But the truth of the matter is, the Bible says, “He who FINDS a wife finds a good thing.” (Proverbs 18:22) It doesn’t say, “She who finds a husband finds a good thing.”
That means looking and finding part of a relationship, I believe, always belongs to a man! It is always good for a girl to leave that part of a relationship business to a man. I know sometimes it is just frustrating for us women to sit and wait but it is a very rewarding thing for a man to look for a wife, find and marry her and for a woman to be found and pursued by a man and marry him.
You see, a woman is created for a man, not the other way around (1 Corinthians 11:9). It is the man who has a need to have “a suitable helper,” not a woman. That means, in my understanding, the man has to find the God created need in him to look for a woman and he has to look, pursue and marry a girl without a girl helping him to do that. He is always the initiator and you, the woman, are the responder.
I think by now you gave him enough clues for him to know about your feeling. Sometimes when a man doesn’t want to pursue a girl, he can be blind to all the clues the girl is sending on his way; or, sometimes, if he is not interested in her at all, he purposely blinds himself and ignores her cues. Sometimes, some guys decide to pull the girl aside and say the harshest thing a man can ever say to a girl, which is, “I know you are interested in me but I am not. Please let’s see each other as brother and sister. I’m actually pursuing another girl right now.”
I know that is like taking a gun shot in the head. So, here is my advice before this man decides to say to you something similar:
Tell the other girl that you are thinking about him and ask her to pray for you. Watch out though, if she offers to help you by saying, “It is okay, I will tell him on your behalf.” Remember, that is not a good way of handling this issue either. If he is a shy guy, let him seek help from other guys, not from you or from your friends.
Give the man space. Don’t overwhelm him with text, phone calls and emails for all unnecessary reasons. Actually try to minimize contacting him even for a legitimate reason. If you have to contact him, pass that responsibility to someone else. Avoid daydreaming about him, which is a common thing at this point. Loneliness may intensify your feeling you have for him and may even force you to do the unthinkable (like begging him to date you). So, try to be with others; make yourself busy. If he reaches out to you for whatever reason, don’t see it as a positive signal. Just talk to him respectfully and make your conversation as short as possible. Don’t ever think that he didn’t notice your cute face or beautiful legs. Don’t try to help him to notice them. The more you try, the harder it gets for him to appreciate any one of them. Believe me in this: The man needs nobody’s assistant for him to notice a girl’s beauty! He is created to do that!
Giving him space, letting him lead, treating him with respect and honor “may” pull him to you or “may” push him away from you for good. Either way, you keep your honor and respect as his future beautiful wife or his honorable sister-in-Christ. (Read the story of Abigail – 1 Samuel 25)
Some women may tell you that they pursued their dream men and they have now a good marriage but usually that is not the case. Don’t bet your life in that bargain. It’s a very risky business!
I am sure you’ve already heard this many times but I have to remind you again as I remind myself daily: Seek God and His Wills in your life more than anything else and God will take care of all your needs and desires. Remember God knows that you have a desire to get married because He is the One who put that desire in you in the first place. So trust Him to take care of your needs and desires (Matthew 6:33).
The Bible says, “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4) So, rest in Him. ///