“I get very exhausting in the evening”

A4P Guest: My husband sleeps late at night and wakes up late in the morning. I, on the other hand, get up early in the morning and start taking care of our two little kids (one and two year old toddlers). I asked him to get up in the morning to help me with the kids. But he doesn’t seem to get it. Now our number one problem becomes our sexual life. I get very exhausted in the evening and he is very energetic at that time. I don’t have any energy left in the evening and he always complains about that. I told him several times that he has to help me in the morning for him to get sex in the evening. What should I do?

A4P: I smiled when I read your question because these days I don’t know any man who wakes up early in the morning, except my dad. I don’t know if this is a blessing or curse of this generation. These men only know the sun is rising in the east theoretically. They have never seen it for themselves. In short, they are naturally “night owls!” It is easy to try to teach a pig to sing and dance than trying to teach “night owls” to get up in the morning. So, don’t even try to change your husband. Instead, you need to come up with another strategy to work around this. And I will tell one or two best strategies but before I do that, let me tell you few things about marital sexual intimacy.

The sexual intimacy you are avoiding in your marriage is not just a way to achieve “orgasm.” Anybody can achieve orgasm through masturbation, viewing porn, fornication, adultery, homosexuality, incest and similar sinful sexual activities. The sexual intimacy you are letting go, because your husband is a “night owl,” is an honorable and holy one (Hebrew 13:4). It is an intimate time only you and your husband can have; a time you two become one at the soul, spirit and body level; a time your oneness invites the eternal Holy God to your marriage because God designed it to be that way. This sexual intimacy is not just a time to have sex; but a time the three strands get woven together, you, your husband and God (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Because God is part of this union, the experience itself leaves you with an awe of God and His eternal purpose. Thus this sexual intimacy has in it what is called “sexual pleasure” a pleasure that comes directly from the Holy God and it gives sexual release to your soul, body and spirit. (That is why it DOES NOT have any ill-after-effect such as guilt, shame, despair, depression, anxiety, etc.) Sharing this pleasure with your husband is like renewing your marital vows all over again; to be one until death do you part. It renews your love and care for each other; it renews you as a person. It lifts your confidence up for you to be the best wife you can ever be to your husband and the best mother to your kids. There is more but I hope you get my point.

In short, it is not worth avoiding sex in your marriage.

So, here is my advice: The Bible calls a wife as “a suitable helper” (Genesis 2:18) which also means “an adaptable helper.” Husbands naturally don’t know how to adapt to their changing environment. They don’t usually have that inborn capacity to change with the ever changing environment of their surroundings. Well, that is one of the reasons, I believe, they need “a helper” like you and I, their wives, to stand next to them. So you adapt your husband’s bent (not sinful bent but natural bent) for the better tomorrow.

One of the ways, I believe, a wise wife builds her house is by adapting to her husband’s bent. (Proverbs 14:1a)

I’m not suggesting here that you sleep and wake up late; but I am advising you to be wise in managing your time and energy during the day so that you will have some left over energy for the evening. Taking a short nap during the day is one way to regain your energy (take a quick nap when your little ones do). Exercise is another best thing you can do for yourself. Exercise boosts your energy and mood. You may not need to go to gym. A 10 to 15 minute long walk a day will go a long way.

And hear this please: We wives unless we convince our mind and heart to have sex and enjoy it, we can’t take part in it. Most husbands don’t need to do that because their mind and heart and every fiber of their being is naturally ready to have sex and enjoy it too at any time of the day. So, you need to put some extra effort to prepare yourself mentally to have and enjoy sex with your husband.

And last but not least, please hear this carefully: The best way to encourage your husband to help you around the house is not by avoiding sexual intimacy but by willingly and joyfully availing yourself for it. ///