“I can’t stop thinking about him!”

A4P Guest: I am 26 years old and so far dated only one guy. I met him in our church and after we dated for five months, he asked me to sleep with him. I told him about my stand, that I didn’t want to have sex before marriage, assuming that we both were on the same page. Well, after that discussion, our relationship was over. It’s been a month now since he last called me. I see him in church but he doesn’t talk to me or anything. Here is the problem: I can’t stop thinking about him! He is always in my mind. Last week, I called him and he didn’t pick up his phone. I texted him, he didn’t respond. What should I do?

A4P: First, I applaud you for saying no for sex before marriage. Good for you!

Second, the fact that you are thinking about him all the time is normal since he is your first one.

However that doesn’t mean that it is okay for you to continue thinking about him. The man is moving on with his life and you too have to do the same. I know, that is easier said than done. You may not be able to stop thinking about him just because you want to.

Our brain sometimes needs some help. So, this is what I suggest you do: Build healthy relationship with other like-minded women who speak the Truth into your life. Avoid those moments you tend to be alone. Don’t go to your bed unless you are very tired. Be actively involved in a ministry; not like going to a choir to sing; rather fast and pray for your choir; try to compose a song or something. This will help your brain think about other important things than zoom in on one man who is not interested in you.

If you continue thinking about him, you may do something unthinkable, like calling and telling him that you are interested to sleep with him!

“Ewe!” You may say, but, yeah, that can happen too! We women are unstoppable when we desperately seek something or someone! The problem with that tendency is this: We sometimes go after something or someone who can end our life; especially our intimate relationship we have with our Lord Jesus Christ.

This will lead me to say one of the most important truth of the Bible you always need to put at the back of your mind and that truth is this: Let the man pursue and find you; not the other way around because God didn’t create a man for a woman, but a woman for a man (1 Corinthians 11:9). That means the man is the one to go after a woman; not a woman after a man. We women are created for the very purpose to make a man’s life better (Genesis 2:18). Since you are created for a man, a man has to look for you. If you continue thinking about this man, you will unconsciously make it your project to pursue him.

When you pursue a man who is neither interested in you nor your moral values, you motivate a man to use and abuse you. In every single man’s heart, there is this innate desire to look for a wife, to pursue and convince a girl that he is the only good and handsome man there is for her in the whole universe. When you take that role away from him, he doesn’t know what to do with you except seeing you as an easy sex outlet; or as some men do, seeing you as a financial source (you work and bring money as he sits on a couch, eats chips and watches TV 24/7).

So the safest thing for you to do until the man who is interested in you crosses your path is to stop thinking about this man. Win the battle in your own mind. Avoid being lonely! Be with spiritually matured women. And here is the best advice: Think only those things which can give you peace and joy (Philippians 4:8). What is there to think that gives peace and joy than the Word of God! There is none! Meditate on the Word day and night! Even if it may feel eternity before you stop thinking about this man, you eventually will; and you may even find yourself thinking something like: “What was in that man that took me forever to stop thinking about him?” Guess what? You won’t find any answer since there is none.

Let me leave with this: From now on, whenever you become too obsessed about a man, take a break from life and take a step back and see if you are thinking right! Call others to your life and ask them if you are mentally intact. Being obsessed about anything will detach you from a reality, especially in a relationship setting. Being obsessed can be a sign that you are swimming in a fantasy world which has little or no relationship with a reality. And that by itself is a dangerous place to be. ///