There are great purposes why God created marriage, a covenantal relationship between one man and one woman. And one of the zillion purposes of marriage is to raise kids who are mentally and emotionally healthy.
Healthy marriages are like “Petri Dishes” to grow “healthy and godly children” on. When that “Petri Dish” that good ground is disturbed, the ones who suffer the most are kids.
I strive to help, mentor and counsel young girls and men in sexual addiction and it is fascinating for me to notice how most of them have similar childhood stories. They may come from different countries, background, race and culture but most of them I help are from Christian families and most of their parents’ marriages are disturbed marriages; one or two of their parents live for themselves!
This is one of the evidences which confirms that sexual addiction has nothing to do with sexual desire and sexual hormones but everything to do with sick and broken soul; a soul which is abandoned, forsaken, unloved, uncared for, neglected, deserted and left alone at an early age.
Let me share with you the story of a young and beautiful girl I’m helping right now. I asked her if I can share her story with you all. Do you know what she said? Well, she said, “I came to you for help and opened up my life because of the life stories of others you posted on this page. So, my story may help others to feel that they are not alone in this and that they need to reach out for help for their problems. So, go ahead and share my story with others.”
Thank you, young girl! You don’t know how much I love you and I care about you! You and your story have special place in my heart! And you and your story will be a saving light for at least one girl who might be somewhere in the dark. And for your kindness and service, I guarantee you that you will be rewarded from the LORD Jesus Christ. Thank you!
So, here is her story; this is the way she wrote her story:
“I’m 19 years old. I was born in Asmara, Eritrea. When I was two, my mom moved to one of the European countries and I ended up with my grandma. After my mom left the country, my dad died. I stayed with my grandma until I turned seven and my mom took me to the country she was living at that time. My mom was the most disturbed and angry person. She used to physically abuse me to the point of me passing out. She used to drag me from one room to another if she was angry with me for whatever reason. I used to spent most of my time crying at the corner of the house and I always look for an answer to understand what was going on in my life and why. I came to the LORD at the age of 14 but no one from the church reached out to me because they had no idea what I was going through. My mom always projects a perfect life. But at home, she leads the most chaotic lifestyle you can think of. She always used to say to me, “I wish you were dead in my belly. I wish you turned into blood when you were in my belly.” I didn’t know why she was saying that. To tell you the truth, I still don’t know why she wanted me to die. Then at the age of 15, I decided to commit suicide to fulfill my mom’s dream but people came to my rescue just when I was about to pass to the next world. I was admitted to the hospital because the medicine I used to kill myself with hurt my body. I was told that I might not be able to speak or eat but to the doctors’ surprise, I recovered from it all completely. Within that same year, I met a guy, much older than me and I moved with him. I was looking for something to stay away from my mom. That man introduced me to porn and masturbation and I was hooked from that day on. I moved out of there and began sleeping with different men. I so far slept with three married men; and had different and multiple sex partners, probably more than 12 men. I always love Jesus and I cry before Him whenever I find rest from it all but I didn’t know how to save myself. I’m very tired of porn and masturbation. They give me nothing except pain and suffering – – – -”
I cried and cried after I read her whole story. This young and strikingly beautiful girl has no sexual problem but she is in sexual addiction; not because she is a bad girl or she has a natural bent to it (she may have that tendency but looking at her story, I don’t think she does). But she is using porn and masturbation as “a coping mechanism” to numb her pain, the pain she is coming to realize.
You know what I said to myself after I read her story, I said, “If this girl had been in a nurturing environment, she would have been in some kind of prestigious universities, doing her masters in psychology or medicine or something.” I said that because this girl is a very bright girl. She writes very well. She has a good insight about her problem. She is naturally a problem solver! She has people skills. She has a very contagious smile and kindness which attract anyone to her but because she is trapped in a whole lot of emotional pain, she medicates herself with porn and masturbation.
Her dad can’t do anything for her because he is dead; her mom can’t do anything either because she has been taken over by her own miseries and emotional upheavals. But can you just imagine, if her mom sought help from others; from the church pastors and ministers? Can you just imagine if her mother sought medical help if she had any mental and emotional problems and ailments?
Oh, no, I don’t have a heart to judge her mom right now. God knows what she has been through but I wonder how many mothers and fathers are out there, right now, who let their kids go through emotional nightmares because they don’t seek help. Some wait till the last minute, after letting their kids see all the trauma of marital fights and conflicts, they come for marital counseling. But at that point, counseling can do nothing for their marriages. They’ve already hurt each other so much that no amount of counseling can solve their problems. So, divorce will be the only alternative and kids will be the ones to take all the pains of abandonment and neglect.
One seven years old boy last week asked his caregiver this (his caregiver told me): “Why should my mom have to marry again? After she married this man, she is not taking care of me that much.” This same boy is already taking antacid med because of the gastric pain he has developed. Can you just imagine a seven year old boy on antacid med?
I want to say lots of things right now but let me narrow it down to one message: If you are married, please love your spouse for the sake of your kids. Fight for your marriage for the sake of your kids; keep peace, love and care in your marriage for the sake of your kids. Seek help if there is any longstanding disagreement and conflict in your marriage. Seek help if there is physical, mental and emotional ailment and/or abuse. Please seek help from your church ministers, medical people or authorities if it needs be. The devil is after our marriages because he wants to snatch away our kids.
The Bible says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9. Let’s die for ourselves so that our kids may live. ///