One of the two most pivotal moments of my teen years occurred when I was in elementary school. I was twelve years old. In the middle of our recess time, one of my friends who was a boy, came running towards me, away from his friends. He wanted to show me the magazine that he was holding but one of his friends was fighting to take it from him. I didn’t know what the magazine was all about but I wanted to see it. So, I joined the fight to get the magazine and I took it from his hand and randomly flipped the pages.
I remember even the spot, the day, the time and the weather as if it was yesterday. I remember being frozen; not only me but I thought for a second the whole world had also stopped moving, PAUSED!
That was the first day I was introduced to porn.
I only flipped two pages; and one of the boys took it from my hands before I flipped to the next page. And from that moment on, those pictures I saw in that magazine didn’t leave my life for a very long time. I used to carry those pictures in my soul all the time; without my will and permission.
They have no power over my life now but they used to have a big place and control over my life, heart, mind and soul. Each of those pictures was seared on the canvas of my soul.
You see, I am the eighth child of nine siblings for my parents. All of my older siblings wanted to protect me from the things of this world and did everything they could; like telling me to leave the room whenever they wanted to talk about boyfriend and something like that. But they didn’t realize that I was actually maturing and able to connect dots and make stories. None of them were aware of anything about my personal life and I didn’t tell anyone what I saw in school and the million questions I had during that time.
Wow! My life took a sharp turn from that moment on! I was all over the romantic books I could put my hands on! I used to read one novel after another without any rest. If you find me anywhere, you sure will find me with a novel.
The other pivotal moments of my teen years happened when I was sixteen or seventeen years old. I was at one of the few home parties I was ever allowed to go to. Imagine, it was not only my parents who had to give permission for me to go to parties but my older siblings had to be convinced too for me to go. So, I only went to few home parties. (Believe me; I’m eternally thankful for each one of my loving siblings for protecting me!)
I was very excited to be at this particular home party and I already spotted the young men I might be interested to dance with. And I also noticed some of them staring at me. So, I said to myself, “Hooray! I’m at the right place and at the right moment!”
And just before the opening song, one of the girls ran to the bedroom and two or three of us followed her. She wanted to change her outfit to the one we all wanted her to wear. While we were in that bedroom, one of the girls said, “Do you guys know that Missy is a virgin?”
All of them were like, “WHAT?”
I remember wishing for the earth to open its mouth and swallow me up, ALIVE! One of the oldest (I was the youngest from all of them) turned to me and said, “Girl, what are you waiting for? Don’t be foolish! What if you marry a man who doesn’t know how to make love to you? You have to try this man and that man and decide to marry the one who is going to be good at sex.”
Oh, I remember how embarrassed I was. I lost interest to take part in the party because I thought all the young men who were there knew about my virginity. I wanted to run, and lock myself up in a room and cry my heart out – – – – – – – – –
Well, you will find the rest of my story in my second book (which may come out when God wills) but for now this is what I want to say for today:
Our life may not be as perfect as we want it to be because of our past life circumstances; and the truth of the matter is, nobody has a perfect life. We all are broken vessels in one way or the other. If we could have a perfect life in this side of heaven, Jesus wouldn’t have needed to come and die on the Cross.
Yes, we all have that dark and black spot in our lives we don’t want to talk about. But let’s all remember this:
God is always in the business of giving life to the lifeless; hope to the hopeless; light to the one who lives in the dark. Yes, God is famous, good and able to bring beauty out of ashes!
He doesn’t let any of our tears drop on earth in vain. He collects them all in His hands; and He makes them like “fertilizers” to the things He wants to give growth in our lives.
But God wants one thing from us; and that is, He wants us to run to Him with every ounce of our straight. He wants us to seek Him with everything we have. That is all! Listen to one of His promises:
“- – – when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord” Jeremiah 29:13, 14a
Once we find Him, He will be the Author of our stories. We may not have a perfect life and a name we may take pride in but He gives us a kind of life even the most famous and creative movie directors and makers can’t create a script for to display it in a movie screen. He gives us a soul full of joy, peace and rest this world will never know; He heals our wounds and leaves our lives WITHOUT A SCAR! ///