“Help! My husband says he doesn’t want sex anymore”

“The End” is a wonderful phrase at the end of a boring or, in my case, a scary movie.

In the flip side of it, I don’t like “The End” phrase especially at the end of “Tommy and Jerry” kinds of shows.

And when we come to a real life, don’t you think the invisible “The End” phrase comes up very soon after every good and memorable moment? Don’t you want to “pause” your life at your wedding dinner party or Honeymoon night, or at those exciting delivery room experiences of seeing your first child for the first time?

Yes, I always joke around saying, “I wish God gave us a remote control to pause our lives so that the good days would last a bit longer and so that we can fast forward at those tough times.”

Our sexual life can’t be exceptional from this either. Pressing “Pause” on those good times would have been just a blast but don’t you think that God had thought about that too. I believe with all my heart that God thought about it. And after all our lives would have been “happily ever after” hadn’t been for Adam and Eve. Thank you very much, Adam and Eve for making our lives this miserable!

So, because of them, we are living in the ups and downs of school, work, child-rearing, marriage, life and everything including of course our marital sexual lives.

Ups and downs are the theme of life and if you don’t want to accept that fact of life, your journey on this side of life will be quite a stressful one.

When a husband doesn’t want to have sex, where can a wife go? I mean, every article and every website and Facebook page and what have you are reserved to comfort wives who are living with a husband whose sexual desire is off the roof.

So, some wives with a husband who has little or no sexual desire cry themselves to sleep saying to themselves things like, “It is okay, life is too short anyways” or “I don’t want sex anyways” or “divorce is not the unpardonable sin” or the famous one is this: “I will dress up in ways to sexually entice him and my sexual life will be different tomorrow”.

There are a number of reasons for a husband to avoid sex. Let me just run down the list (only some of them) and concentrate on the basic rule of thumbs a wife should follow if her husband is one of these men:

When some husbands get disrespected and dominated by their wives, they lose interest to have sex (but they only lose interest to have sex with their wives, not with other women. Take Note!)

When some husbands lose control of their health and end up gaining weight, having high level of blood sugar and blood pressure, they start to experience erectile dysfunction. This experience hurts them to the core of who they are and they pledge with themselves (consciously or unconsciously) never to find themselves in that situation. What situation? To seek sex and not been able to perform! They usually don’t blame their poor health and diet but their wives or kids, or the famous one, they blame “the American system” or government.

Some husbands lose interest for sex when they feel like they are not making that much money, compare to their friends and/or families. This is a little hidden under the rug kind of cause because they won’t talk about it. Their wives may shine a light on it when she said things like, “He always compares our standard of life with others.”

Some husbands avoid sex for psychological reasons, such as because of what had happened to them sexually when they were little boys. Some secretly may struggle with the thought of homosexuality and don’t know what to do about that (they may get attracted to men than women). This is something which needs a professional help in this area (spiritual counselor, sexual therapist and/or psychiatrist).

Some husbands avoid sex with no known reason. They may become sexually anorexic for no apparent reason. This too needs to be consulted with professionals in the field (sexual therapist and/or psychiatrist).

Some husbands avoid sex because their wives rejected their sexual advances for a number of times that their sexual attraction towards their wives one day comes to a halt (remember, their sexual desire is still there; means they get sexually attracted to other women. Take note!).

Some husbands avoid sex because of hidden sexual addiction they have in their life, the most notorious one which is pretty much affecting most of the 21 century Christian young married couples’ marriage is porn addiction and/or homosexual practice. This too needs professional help and excessive counseling.

Some husbands avoid sex because they feel they are inferior when it comes to their sexual performance and their wives don’t seem to help in any way. She may make statements such as, “I wish you could do like my ex-boyfriend” (It is just a killer!).

Some husbands avoid sex because they are depressed and their work stress is beyond they can bear. For most men, their sexual desire especially gets affected when they find themselves in a job where they feel incompetent.

Some husbands avoid sex because of the side effect of the medication they take. For example, some medicines to treat anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, diabetic or other disease states may cause men to lose interest for sex or have erectile dysfunction. The disease state they try to get treatment for may also cause sexual dysfunction.

Some husbands avoid sex because their testosterone level goes down from the level it used to be (everybody’s testosterone level might be unique to a certain extent – it is always good to know the normal level of testosterone of the individual – Note: There is confusion as to how to determine what is a normal level to all – Rule of thumb, I think, is then knowing the level from one particular lab, (like Lab-Corp or Quest Diagnostic – because what is normal level is different from one lab from another) and know the level before sexual desire disappears and see if there is any change – sometimes even with no change with the level, testosterone therapy might be warranted – so it is always good to follow it up with his primary physician).

Some husbands avoid sex because they are getting sex from other woman or man (extramarital relationship – adultery and/or homosexuality).

Lastly, some husbands avoid sex because they are getting old and that takes a toll on them. They may face what is called middle age crisis. They will come out of the other side but it may take time. Some may get stuck in it for a long period of time.

The possibilities can be more than these but when it comes to the role of a wife in all these and other different conditions, it might be the same.

So, if you are a wife with a husband with sexual problems, you have the most important role to play to ameliorate your husband’s difficult situation. To do that you have to have at least the following rule of thumbs imprinted at the back of your mind:

Know that “everyday exciting sex” is only possible on the movie screen or soap opera shows, not in real life.

Never disrespect and dominate your husband in any situation. Make sure you help him lead. If he is a passive person with a laid-back personality, find a way to encourage him, with love and respect, to take his place of leadership. (I will write something another time how to encourage your husband but for now know that you encourage him, respectfully, to lead. Ask him like, “What do you think about this? I don’t want to do it before I hear what you have to say.” And show him that you put his advice into practice even if you think that his advice is not that much exciting. Remember, God cares about your motive and you will see God coming in to your marriage being attracted by your right and godly motive to make your husband the person he is supposed to be.)

Know this: A man may get sexually enticed and attracted to a seductive woman who hardly covers her body but a husband gets sexually seduced, enticed and attracted to a wife who is respectful towards him. (1 Peter 3:1-6)

Don’t stress your man to hold on to a job which brings lots of money as well as stress and anxiety to himself. He may not come home and say, “I feel very incompetent doing this. I’m scared of failing or being fired.” He won’t say that but he may start being angry for little things. Your part is to assure him that you don’t need extra money to be happy and live like your friends.

Unless you have a very good reason, like broken back bone or something, don’t reject your man’s sexual advances. He takes your rejection as if you reject him as a person. If you consistently reject him, he loses interest to desire you for sex (notice I said, “lose interest to desire you”, I didn’t say, “lose interest to desire women”. Watch out!)

You are your man’s “suitable helper” – that means he needs your help when he is in the most devastating situation as erectile dysfunction or just simply not having interest for sex. So, be a helper, not a medical doctor, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist. Don’t diagnose him. Just be there for him and try to help me talk about it.

Your negative comments neither encourage him to desire sex nor resolve his erectile or any sexual problem he may have. Actually your discouraging comments such as “Why do you come to me in the first place knowing that you can’t even do it” makes his situation worse. It can actually push him out of the marriage. So, watch your words which you let come out of your mouth (“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21)

Seek the face of God not so you will be sexually fulfilled but so God will help your husband, and here is the biggie, so that God will show you the best way how you can be of any help for your man.

Don’t gossip about this situation with anyone. Wow! This will destroy your marriage, my dear! (“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands (or with her own tongue) the foolish one tears hers down.” Proverbs 14:1) Unless you are in a counseling room with people who can help you with your marital sexual problem, don’t discuss it with anyone. You may discuss this with your God and with those godly one or two women friends whom you thrust that they pray for you earnestly; without telling your secret to others and without looking at your husband differently.

Every small effort he puts on to fight back his condition, appreciate, admire and encourage him.

Be willing to search for a solution with him. Don’t leave the problem with him for him to solve it by himself and come back and satisfy you. That is evil! Be with him; go with him wherever there is help.

Don’t be angry for sleeping without getting sex one night after another. Don’t forget this: Your anger can’t do anything right (James 1:20). Whether you are angry, mad, frustrated or just simply crazy about the situation, finish it with God. God can take your anger and frustration but not your man who is suffering silently.

If your man is angry for every little thing, bear with him. You don’t know what he is going through. He is not a woman that he can tell it all. He is a man. He usually deals with his issue internally, silently, not verbally like you; ESPECIALLY HIS SEXUAL PROBLEMS. So, give him space and grace. If you have little kids, don’t leave them with him, at least until he finds his way out of “the jungle”.

Listen here please: If he blames you, your kids and everything else for his problem and refuses to seek help and wants to be physically, emotionally and mentally abusive towards you and your kids, he still needs your help. How?

Listen please: Precious, it is your spiritual duty never to submit to anything that is sinful and illegal and those actions of his, refusing to seek help and abusing you and your kids, yelling at you saying, “Shut up and live with it” are sinful and illegal and you should stand on your ground and say, “No, I’m not taking this!” If he doesn’t want to seek help, you seek help. If it is not safe for you and your kids, find a safe shelter first before you seek and find a solution for his problem.

Above all, know that in small or big way, everybody goes through these kinds of problems. You are not alone. The difference comes by how you respond back to your unique problems; how you choose to handle them.

And remember you vowed to be with him “In sickness and in health” and don’t make sex the ultimate “deal breaker” of all the marital issues. There are brave wives out there who know nothing about sex after their husbands become paralyzed from neck down because of car accident or health. But they are staying with their husbands because they know that this life is short and they know that they can live without sex; they know that after all their eternal reward is given to them not by how many times they got sex out of their husbands but to what extent they are committed and decisive to love their husbands.

I hope I addressed your questions fully. If I didn’t, as usual, drop me your question. ///