A4P Guest: I am seeing this man I know from my church. He recently asked me for a relationship. I told him that I needed time to think before I give him a yes or no answer. Then we started hanging out just for a cup of tea because I thought that would help me to know him better. People from my church (my spiritual fathers) encouraged me to accept his request. I think, he’s a good man and he always tries to take care of me. I haven’t seen any red flags so far A4P: “My spiritual fathers?” Are these men the ones you are asking advice from?
A4P Guest: Yes. Why?
A4P: What sort of advice do you ask them? Do you guys think this man is a real deal, kind of question? I mean, they may be able to give you good advice as to what to look for in a real man but I have a big problem with that if they are the only ones you go to ask advice from. By the way, how old are you?
A4P Guest: I understand your concern and you’re right. I need to ask older women too. I am 24.
A4P: So, they told you to say yes to the guy and you found the guy to be a nice man. So, what is your question for me?
A4P Guest: I don’t know what to decide. It’s been difficult for me to name my feelings for him, is it love, fear or what? I think it is because of our age difference.
A4P: Oh! How old is he?
A4P Guest: He is 41.
A4P: Hmm! No wonder those men told you to say yes. Continue with your question.
A4P Guest: You know, I always wish my husband to be like someone who is at least five or seven years older than me. To be honest, I don’t even feel comfortable to be seen with him. And when I think about saying ‘No’, I fear that I might be making a mistake refusing what God has provided to me just because of my criteria (such as age). I don’t think I love him but when I try to ask myself why I kind of ‘like’ him, the possible answers I could come up with are: He shows me great care and he treats me well (which I haven’t experienced in my entire life), or, I don’t have that much social life and he is the only one that I go out with. I usually feel lonely but now I have him to accompany me.
And he doesn’t want me to take any more time and he told me that he wanted answer soon. I feel so rushed. What do you advise me?
A4P: First, you are a brilliant young girl. Your reasons are right on the money! Yes, loneliness can force you to go against your feelings, emotions and life principles.
And God gave you a brain to think and this same God who gave you this precious gift called, “brain,” never dismisses and goes against your wishes, desires and wants and forces you to go against them all and marry someone you don’t want to be seen with.
And I think, the guy had showed you care that you haven’t seen in “your entire life” because your entire life is just “24 years” from which only two or three years can be considered as “your entire life”, because those are the years you probably started entertaining the idea of getting married.
So, my dearest, the guy lived much longer than you and his “entire life” is much longer than yours means he is from a different generation. If he had shown this same kind of care and love to a woman who is 34 or 36, he would have been called a real deal.
And I think you are attracted to an older man probably because men in your generation don’t seem to you as matured as you wanted them to be. But if you are looking for a man who is well matured and all around nice in life, you’ll always end up in this situation because most men are shaped by life and they know how to woo a young girl. I think, what is best for you is to look for a man that you can grow and mature with. Marriage is a place of companionship where two people (one man and one woman) grow and get into an intimate and nurturing friendship. You can’t create this kind of friendship with a man who is from a different generation.
When friendship is missing from a marriage, the two people in the marriage tend to lead a lonely life. The man always looks for friends from his generation and his wife does the same thing and they grow apart.
You cannot be a best friend of a man who is from a different generation.
I love the age range you put for your future husband. It is good. That is where friendship can flourish. Just simple and “common sense” tells us that.
So, my advice for you is this: Listen to your heart. Find older and spiritually and “mentally” matured women who speak the truth into your heart. Men are men. They are mostly wonderful to mentor a male to be a man, not a female to be a woman especially in the area of relationship.
This actually must be your first homework I need you to do: Seek to be mentored by older women who are spiritually and “mentally” matured. Notice, I put the word mentally in quotation marks because you don’t want a woman who tends to miss the message of the Bible and says, “Abraham and Sara had a 10-year age gap but their marriage was wonderful! And just pray and God will do the same for you.”
God forbid you listen to this kind of advice!
By the way, I am very proud of you for being this wise to seek advice in this matter at this age and time. May God bless you!
Please try to cultivate a meaningful social life with other women of your generation. ///