A4P Guest: I am a 28-year old virgin woman and I serve in my church, mainly in mentoring and couching the youth. I was born and raised in a Christian home. I desire to get married but so far no man’s asked me for a date or marriage. Many people like me, as they say, and I think I am a fun person to be around. I don’t know if I am not attractive. But some people said I am. And faithful serve others and God but this part of my life seems to go nowhere. I hope you wouldn’t advise me to go ahead and ask men because I’ve already done that twice and both times, the answer I got was, “You’re my best friend eko! How can I date you?” What should I do? I really want to get married.
A4P: I am glad you desire to get married because this is one of the signs that you are a healthy human being (not to say, people who do not desire to get married at the age of 28 are sick) but simply to say, “to desire to get married” is a God-given, pure desire.
The problem is not with the desire but maybe with the answer to this question: “Why do you desire to get married?”
Some people when I ask them this question, they give different answers like:
“I don’t want to get too old before I get married and have kids.”
“I want to have a man who loves me and makes me happy.”
“I feel so lonely that I believe if I get married I won’t be lonely again.”
“I don’t want to find myself in sexual sin. So I need to get married and take care of my sexual desire.”
“I want to rest from this single life.”
I don’t know where to start but I hope and pray that none of the above answers are yours.
Gal, no man can be a source of peace and happiness to you or anyone to that matter. Your desire to be loved has to be first met by the love of God because God created you for Himself. Once you become His, the person you marry can easily make you happy and joyful. Otherwise you demand “God-sized-joy and peace” which no man can deliver and you will drain the person you marry.
All joy, peace, rest and happiness are found in Christ, not in a mere human being.
Regarding your sexual desire, yes, the Bible says,
“But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:2 NASB
Here the word of God is saying, in a simple term, You are a sexual being! Fighting against that may send you into sexual sin. What is best to do is to get involved in a “one-flesh” relationship (Genesis 2:24) – called marriage.
It does not say, “Marriage is a medicine for sexual sin.” There are many married people who are in many heinous sexual sins.
It is better for all of us to learn to wage war against sexual sin and any kind of sin as single as well as married people. No marital status can make us immune from any sin, especially sexual sin.
Rather, seek to marry so you continue glorifying God as a married person as you glorify God as a single person.
And, you said, “I don’t know if I am not attractive.”
My friend, what you or others say about your beauty doesn’t matter. What matters the most is what you know and believe about yourself.
As a Christian, you’re called to believe what the word of God says about you and this life. And the Bible says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;” Psalm 139:14aNIV
Did you see that?
You are beautiful because you are God’s masterpiece. You have no copy! You are only One and Unique! The Bible says, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10NLT
Wow! Do you see that? Yes, YOU ARE GOD’S MASTERPIECE! You need to know this truth and hide it in your heart so it will be your conviction. You shouldn’t wait until people say, “You are beautiful and attractive.” Know that you are because God made you and God says so!
What you believe in your heart is what people see on your face. The unfading beauty is the kind of beauty that radiates out of your heart and soul.
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:30 NASB
But make note here: This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t exercise, eat healthy and dress nicely and neatly.
And the other thing is, I am glad that you were born and raised in a Christian home but that does not or cannot make you a good Christian just because you’d been going to church since childhood. You need to have a personal and intimate relationship with the word of God and the Holy Spirit. What matters the most is your personal devotion and walk with Christ, not your perfect church attendance or service to others.
And just because you serve others, it doesn’t mean that God owes you anything. We do not have an unrighteous God who says, “Oh, she serves others. I need to find a husband for her.” No! We all are blessed in Christ Jesus.
The Bible does not say, “But serve first His church, and all these things will be added to you.”
Rather, it says, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33 NASB
Do you see that?
And please, don’t ever ask a man for a date or a marriage. It is a man who needs to beg you, not the other way around. You bring more benefit to his life. You are created as “a suitable helper” to him.
“for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” 1 Corinthians 11:9 NASB
You see, you are created for him. If he says he doesn’t want you, have your peace and live with Christ happily ever after.
Moreover, trust God to meet your needs and desires. Present your request to Him and cast your burden on Him and continue knowing Him and growing in Christ.
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7 NASB
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter 5:7 NLT
If God allows and makes things to work out for one person to get married at the age of 28, that is good. If God makes things right for you to marry at the age of 38, that is good too!
God says, “For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 NASB
Please hear me: You and I don’t know what is best for us! Only God does! Trust Him and stay put!
The word of God says,
“Be still, and know that I am God;” Psalm 46:10 NIV and it says,
“whoever listens to me will live in safety
and be at ease, without fear of harm.” Proverbs 1:33 NIV ///