The source of conflict and disagreement among married couples who have migrated to America from developing countries (my main focus, from Ethiopia), are usually unique and different from couples who live in America.
There are many sources that we can discuss, but today I want to share with you one of the reasons I commonly see: the wife getting inspired by everything she sees in America to improve her life and the lives of her kids. In this situation, sometimes, her husband tends to slowly observe and internalize everything from far away. So, from the wife’s point of view, her husband is lazy and pulls her and her kids down.
Generally speaking, men don’t change according to the environment they find themselves in. Women, on the other hand, since they are created to be “adaptable,” can change to suit and adapt to the environment they find themselves in, .
So, after they come to the US, the wife finds this land to be the land of opportunity and she runs everywhere to make her dreams a reality. She takes one job and she adds another one. Her husband, on the other hand, after he comes from his normal hourly job, prefers to sit and watch Ethiopian politics or Ethiopian movies. When his wife sees him, she gets frustrated. Then she starts to preach to him how he needs to take some courses online so he can improve himself and make better money than he makes from his low paying job. When the wife sees that her husband is not listening to her, she becomes angry and frustrated and she starts calling him names, thinking that that will motivate him to do what she wants him to do.
The Bible says, “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”” Genesis 2:18
In this example, the woman wants her husband to be “a suitable helper” to her so her dreams will come true.
Do you see how dangerous that is!?
I know, some women may ask: “So, are you suggesting that the wife “helps” her husband so he can continue being a couch potato, while she works like a horse?”
Not at all!
What I am saying is this:
The Bible says,
“What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. ” James 4:1-3 NASB
Sometimes the wife’s desires may become a source of conflict in marriage.
Remember, it is not a sin for a wife to desire to improve her life and the lives of her children, but if her desire becomes the source of her marital conflict, it is not only a sin but also a dangerous thing to run after.
The word of God says, “For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?” Mark 8:36
If a wife loses her marriage but affords to buy two houses, what does it profit her?
The word of God says,
“There is a way which seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death.” Proverbs 14:12, 16:25
If what a wife dreams to have brings chaos into her marriage, it brings death when her dreams turn into reality.
You see, God does not contradict Himself. He does not bless a wife with two jobs so she gets more money and lets go off her marriage. Never!
“It is the blessing of the Lord that makes rich,
And He adds no sorrow to it.” Proverbs 10:22
Amen! He adds no sorrow to the blessing God gives to us.
So, a wife has to be wise to first bring her desire to God and ask God if what she desires is good for her and her marriage.
You see, if a wife works hard and makes lots of money, unless God blesses her money, all her hard earned money will be wasted in some way or another; or she will lose her health and life before she even gets a chance to enjoy her money.
“Unless the Lord builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the Lord guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.” Psalm 127:1
Amen! So, she trusts God to show her the way.
When a wife trusts God, she asks God to give her the wisdom and grace to communicate her dreams and visions to her husband.
“The wise woman builds her house,
But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Psalm 14:1
What does a fool wife do in her heart according to the word of God?
“The fool has said in his heart, “There is no God.”” Psalm 14:1
A foolish wife says, “There is no God in her heart” means that she does things as if God or the word of God does not exist.
When a wife knows and believes that God exists, she leans on Him. If she desires something, she won’t make “fulfillment of her desires” her number one priority in life but doing the will of God because,
“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthian 10:31
And the other thing, a wise wife knows that God works in peace, not in chaos:
“for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” Romans 14:17
So, if her desires become a source of division, conflict, fighting and quarreling in her marriage, she will know that what she desires is not from God, but from the sinful flesh, this dark world or directly from the devil himself. And if she perceives that what she desires will eventually cost her marriage, she will let go of her desires and dreams.
Because she is wise! She builds her home/marriage, not tear it down like a fool.
“The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want [lack] of any good thing.” Psalm 34:10
While she seeks God and His glory, how can she lack any good thing? She can’t! She may not have five houses but she has peace, joy and contentment. ///
P. S. All the Bible verses I use today is from New American Standard Bible (NASB)