“Wanting to Start From Scratch”

I live in Europe and I am living with the father of my three little kids who is 17-years older than me. I don’t know what to call him except the father of my kids because I am not married to him. When I was 18, I ran away from my parents because they didn’t want me to follow Jesus Christ. Then I moved in with one of my girlfriends. Then I dated a guy and moved in with him. Needless to say that my spiritual life was dead at this point. The man began abusing me. While I was desperate to end my relationship with him, I met the man I live with now. I was not attracted to him or anything but because I wanted to come out of that abusive relationship, I said yes when he asked me out. Then within a few days, I moved in with him and gave birth to three of my kids, each one year apart. Since I had my third child last year, God has been reviving my spiritual life. Now I read the Bible and pray every day. The thing is, as I get stronger spiritually, it becomes very clear to me that I am not glorifying God in my life and want to go out of this relationship. The problem is, the man I am living with now wants us to get married legally. I on the other hand don’t want to marry him since he does not believe in God. Instead, I want to marry a Christian man and glorify God. I want to marry an Habesha man who is at least three or five years older than me and start life from scratch. Since I am not married to him, I don’t need to go through divorce. Can you give me some directions biblically?

A4P: May the grace and mercy of God be on me to give you some biblical directions.

First and foremost, I am grateful and thankful that you came to me for counseling. May God bless you!

So, here are some pointers and problems which may give you some biblical insight as to what you need to do next.

  1. It was wrong for you to run away from your parents at that critical age.

I wish there were matured women around you who could mentor you in faith and show  you how to live with your parents. But I assume you had no such support system. I hope now, in a hindsight, you can see it clearly how that impacted your life in a negative way.

  1. When you were supposed to build a healthy relationship with the Body of Christ, you chose to be with world men.

Again, this shows your poor support system from the house of faith. I hope you can see how lack of that support system had destroyed your young life.

  1. Then you decided to date guys who are unbelievers and decided to sleep with them.

I hope you can see now how the consequences of all those sinful deeds wreaked havoc on your life.

  1. You so far lived with two men out of wedlock.
  2. From the last man you’re still living with, you have three beautiful Children.

Kudos to you! You could have killed each one of these beautiful children but you gave them a chance to live. Good for you. You have to give yourself credit on this! And believe me in this that you will never regret it! I praise God for helping you to choose life, not abortion.

  1. Now you want to know how to “start” life from scratch, which sounded to me like: “Give me some directions as to how I can erase all the mistakes I made in my life.”

My friend, I believe that you’re a believer in Christ but I doubt if you are still getting sound biblical teachings.

You see, marriage means, in simple terms, one man and one woman becoming one.

The Bible says, “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24b

Notice: It says “to his wife” – not “to his girlfriend” or  “to any woman” but “to his wife.”

Here in Genesis 2:24, a wedding is going on – and we see “the two become one flesh,” the law of God, at work.

We see this law of God at work even when there is no “wedding” or marriage. When a man and a woman have sex, “they become one.” There is no, “But they are not married yet,” kind of thing.

This is always the case since Adam and Eve.

Paul writes:

“Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “The two shall become one flesh.”” 1 Corinthians 6:15-16 NASB

Here, there is no wedding. There is only a sinful sexual relationship between a Christian man and a prostitute but we see the truth of “they become one” at work.

What am I saying?

I am saying, you are “one” with the man you’re living with, the father of your little three kids. That makes you a mother and the man a father of these little kids.

Now what the whole counsel of the word of God advises you to do at this point, I believe, is this:

To repent of all your sins and come back to the Shepherd and Overseer of your soul. As part of coming back to God, you accept the man’s offer to take your relationship with him to another level, to a legal relationship level called “marriage” – to make your relationship legal in the eyes of the law of the land you live in.

That way, you become legally married to the man and he will be legally married to you as it is supposed to be according to the word of God.

Then the word of God says this to you:

“And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” 1 Corinthians 7:13-16

Please read this passage again and again and again until it becomes part of who you are.

Then strive to be the kind of wife to your husband the word of God is calling you to be. The rest, to make your husband a believer or not, belongs to God, not to you. It is not your job to make your husband a believer but God’s. Your job is to be a godly wife to your husband and a godly mother to your children.

It is my prayer that what I said here is clear to you. May God reveal to you His truth. ///