A4P Guest: I found out that my husband is cheating on me with another woman. What should I do next?
A4P: Well, first, make sure that you are accusing your husband for the things that he has actually done or is doing. If you are naturally a suspicious person who doesn’t trust anybody, it is good to recognize that part of your life and seek help for your problem.
Not trusting others could be a sign that you have never been loved and treasured by anybody in your life, especially when you were a child. The very people who were supposed to love you, your parents or care-givers, might never have loved you, so you have no experience of true love.
If that is the case with you, I wouldn’t advise you to go with your gut feeling and interrogate your husband. The problem could very well be with you, and you will have to learn how to trust others. This isn’t always the case, and you could be right in your suspicion, but make sure you gather the facts before doing anything rash.
Now, if you naturally know how to love and receive love, and you don’t have issues trusting others, your suspicions towards your husband may have some truth to them.
So, the best way to handle it is to simply confront your husband. Before you do this, make sure that your husband is not a kind of man who tends to get physical when somebody calls him out.
If he denies everything you’re telling him, which most men do (even when you’re right), tell him that you want to invite people into the discussion. If you have enough evidence, show him.
If he says, “Okay, I did it and I did it because you are such and such,” that is not good. That means he is blaming you for his mess. Don’t even give him a listening ear, and tell him that you are going to seek help from others.
If he starts threatening you like, “If you tell this to my pastor, I will divorce you,” know that he is not willing to work on his marriage. All he wants is a warm house to come to, warm food to enjoy when he’s hungry, and whenever he wants, to go out and relax with other women.
You are not a vacation island for you to do that. So, don’t let him treat you as such!
But if he is willing to work on his marriage, seek help with him so that others will help you both restore your lives and marriage.
If he falls at your feet and cries his eyes out, asking you to forgive him, you simply say, “Hold on a second! This is not a time to ask forgiveness. It is time to go and seek help. We will do all our apologies later, but right now, we need people who can help us to sort things out.”
Please, do not fall for his tears and sweet words such as, “the devil made me do this because he knows that I am anointed by God to destroy his kingdom.”
There is no such kind of thing. Adultery is a serious sin/crime. It defames the name of our God; it defiles the glory and honor of God and the church; it is a crime done against little children.
Listen to what the Bible says:
“ “This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the Lord of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”” Malachi 2:13-16 NASB
I am sure you’ve heard people quote to you many times “God hates divorce,” but they can never tell you where to find the verse and what the verse is really saying.
Yes, God hates divorce, he hates when a man deals treacherously with his companion, his wife. But guess what other things God HATES:
“There are six things which the Lord hates,
Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him:
Haughty eyes, a lying tongue,
And hands that shed innocent blood,
A heart that devises wicked plans,
Feet that run rapidly to evil,
A false witness who utters lies,
And one who spreads strife among brothers.” Proverbs 6:16-19 NASB
Do you see that?
God hates haughty eyes, too. Before a man goes to another woman, he will despise God and His name. His heart will be full of pride. He begins to lie left and right. He cares less for his little children.
(By the way, the same is true about women. If the offender is the wife, it is the same thing.)
So, if your husband wants to work on all these things with others, to, first, restore his life and, then, restore his marriage, you have a wonderful man with you and you have a marriage that has the potential to be a strong one.
If your husband wants to continue with his adulterous situation, however, the word of God commands you to divorce him:
“I [Jesus] tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9
Here “sexual immorality” is a kind of immorality that is continuous. It is not a onetime thing, but a continuous character where the person is not repentant of his sin but continues giving excuse after excuse so that he can continue in the same sinful life.
He may choose to do that but you should not have any share of his sinful deeds and the consequences of his sin.
Yes, in fact, saving your kids from this kind of man is a precious gift you can give to your children.
If you cannot support yourself and your kids financially, it may be good to first work on your education while you live with him. Take small courses online and look for a job. According to American law, your husband is responsible to give you money (a child support) to raise your kids, but that won’t be enough.
This is not an easy journey. You need people who can help you. You need others who can help you restore your life. It is a good time for you to work on your own personal life, too — to be close to God and to own your share of the problem and work on it.
For example, you might have married this man while everyone was speaking against your decision to marry him. If that is the case, this will be a good time to remember that and teach yourself how foolish it is not to heed others’ advice, and more such lessons. ///