A4P Guest: I’m a 36 year-old woman and I’ve been dating a man (38 years old) for a couple years now. We both are born again Christians. This year, I was expecting him to propose to me but he doesn’t even talk about marriage at all. I told him in several occasions how much I desire to get married. But he usually changes the subject and avoids it totally. What do you advise me to do?
A4P: I have few questions for you before I jump into answering your questions. So, what do you mean when you say you are dating a man? How do you define dating? How does dating look like in your relationship?
A4P Guest: I mean, just dating, nothing else. We see each other almost every day and we speak on the phone almost every night before we go to bed.
A4P: Okay, let me make my question clear to you so you give me a clear answer to the best of your knowledge with all honesty.
So, does dating in your relationship include kissing, cuddling, sex and more?
A4P Guest: “My boyfriend doesn’t care about getting married and he avoids the topic marriage. What do I need to do,” is my question. What does your question have to do with my question?
If you are a born-again Christian, you are a follower of Jesus Christ, means, a person who does life according to the word of God. If so, you should want me to answer your question according to the word and the will of God; not according to what I or others think. So for me to tailor my answer to you, a born-again Christian, around the word of God, I need to know exactly what kind of dating we are talking about here.
A4P Guest: Even if we both know that being physical before marriage is wrong and sinful, we love each other so much that we can’t control ourselves. I don’t think that is a big problem since I know that we eventually get married. And to tell you the truth, compare to what other so called “serious Christians” even “ministers” in our church are doing, I don’t think what I and my man are doing is that much of a big deal.
A4P: Hmm! If you fly first class from Addis Ababa to Washington, DC and if the pilot announces to the passengers about an engine problem which may take the plane down into the Atlantic Ocean, do you say to yourself, “Phew! I am glad that I’m flying in first class compare to the people in the economy class?”
In light of this example, read your last statement to yourself and think. While you do that, let me move to the next point.
My dear sister, a man gets motivated and excited to pursue a woman he is curious, eager and excited to know. The Bible says, “Adam knew his wife.” (Genesis 4:1 KJV) It doesn’t say, “Adam knew a certain woman,” but it says, “his wife.”
Adam didn’t know Eve until he marries her. Your man knew you way before he marries you. Do you think he would be excited and motivated to know you?
To know you in what way?
Think about it!
Since he already knew you, he may be interested to pursue another woman he doesn’t know yet because in every man’s heart, there is this innate desire to pursue a woman to “know her.” Being physical with a man you are not married to may totally kill this inborn passion to pursue you for marriage.
If you two decide to get married in the middle of all these sinful dating styles, you may face many challenges as the sex outside marriage has a tendency to bring into your marriage lots of hurts, grieves, guilt, shame, pain and death to so many of good gifts God has in store for you in marriage.
So, my quick advice is this: Sex before marriage invites disaster into your life and relationship (Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7:2-4; 1 Corinthians 3:16-17; 1 Corinthians 6:18-20; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 to mention a few).
If you are convicted of the truth of God to reserve sex for marriage, confess your sin and change your ways; means stop being physical with the man you are not married to (stop not only the sex but every physical relationship that leads you two into sex).
If he gets convicted of his sin and agrees to confess his sin and return from his sinful ways, you have the right man in your hand and DON’T LET HIM GET AWAY! MARRY HIM!
I mean, if he genuinely and sincerely loves you and repents of his sin, he will right away propose to you and make you his.
If he says, “Unless you are physical with me, I don’t want to be with you,” that will be your answer and you move on with your life without him.
I know, it won’t be an easy journey for you but by the grace and mercy of God, you will leave it all behind you and find your new life. Just make note of the good lessons you’ve learned from it, such as not to be physical with any man who is not your husband.
Last point: Sexual attraction and pull between two Christian lovers is healthy as long as it is not allowed to overrule their desire to honor God in their lives. When it is allowed to overrule and reject the word of God, their sexual attraction turns into lust, not love. Lust means wanting to have sex with someone you are not married to (Matthew 5:27-28).
As a young woman, always bring this truth of God to mind: LOVE IS PATIENT! Means, LOVE ALWAYS WAITS FOR THE RIGHT TIME! LOVE ALWAYS REJOICES WITH THE WORD, THE WILL AND THE TRUTH OF GOD, not with evil and sinful deeds. Only lust does that. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a) ///