“My Husband Doesn’t Know”

A4P Guest: I am married and have two little kids, 4 and 6 year olds. A couple years ago, my husband and I, both Christians, had a big problem in the area of communication. During that time, I think my youngest child was two, I fell in love with a guy I had known at my work area and made a big mistake. I slept with him and I knew right away that I would get pregnant. I hadn’t had any sexual relationship with my husband during that time. So, I knew that I was pregnant from the other guy. I broke up with the guy the next day and he moved to another state. Then within few weeks, I found out that I was pregnant. To make a long story short, I had abortion. I know, I heard your YouTube video message about abortion. I asked God to forgive me and I know that I am forgiven. The problem is, my husband doesn’t know anything about this. And these days, my husband and I are getting along very well but from the inside, I am dying of guilt and shame. I tried to move on with my life leaving everything behind me but I couldn’t.  I cannot pray and I cannot read the Bible. What should I do? Do I still need to tell this story to my husband?  Does he need to know? I am scared to tell him because I know he will divorce me. I said that because every time we discuss with other Christians about this specific issue, I always hear him say: “The word of God tells us to get a divorce if a husband or a wife commits adultery.” Missy, I love my kids and I don’t want them to grow without a father. I don’t know what to do.


My sister,  I am glad that you’ve watched my YouTube message about abortion and I am thankful that you asked God to forgive you of your sin. Isn’t our God a merciful God! Yes, He is! May His Name be glorified!

May God continue helping you to come out of all these by His mercy and grace!

My sister, let me start by saying this: You said that you had fallen in love with the guy because you hadn’t had a good marriage at a time (or, you two were not in good terms).

Well, there is no “because” for any of our sins. I wish you wrote me something like this: “I had drifted away from God and His words and given my heart and mind over to my sinful nature.”

I hope you understand what I mean.

You see, you don’t go to God and say, “I sinned against you, my husband and my kids because my husband and I couldn’t get along.”

Do you see my point?

You don’t give God the reason for your sin because God has given us everything we need to lead a godly life:

“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3

And He also has given us His grace that helps and strengthens us to say “No” to sin:

“For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ,  who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.” Titus 2:11-14

So, what kind of reason can be good enough for us to present before God?

We have none!

We have nobody but ourselves to blame for all our sins.

Even if God has given us everything we need to lead a praiseworthy life, we still sin, don’t we? That is why the word of God says, “My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. ” 1 John 2:1

I just want to leave this point to you before I move to addressing your questions.

You asked: “Do I still need to tell this story to my husband?  Does he need to know?”

My answer for both questions is: Yes! Yes!

Your husband needs to know the truth, nothing but the truth and the whole truth! But wisdom should be called to lead the way.

As you said, you had a clue as to how your husband might respond to this. He will not see this issue lightly. Yes, a true Christian shouldn’t see adultery lightly. However, a true Christian also knows the word of God, the meaning and interpretation of the word of God and how to lead his/her life by the whole counsel of the word of God.

That being said, there is what is called “forgiveness” in the Bible: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

From your message, I understand that this is a one-time mistake (correct me if I am wrong here). I assume that adultery is not your lifestyle, but it happened to be one of the stories of your life just like King David.

So, if your husband is a true follower of Jesus Christ, he cannot and should not divorce you for this.

And marriage is a covenant a person primarily makes with God and the person he/she marries. So, you broke two covenants; you restored the first covenant, between you and God. Good for you! And now you have to restore the next covenant, between you and your husband.

Your husband needs to hear this because you stole something from him, your body and gave it to someone else. And that is why you feel guilt and shame.

So, this is my advice:

Continue renewing your relationship with the Shepherd and Overseer of your soul. If you are able to, fast and pray, letting the Holy Spirit search your heart and soul. Ask God to give you favor and mercy before your husband. While you do that, find spiritually matured Christians in your church, preferably, older than you and your husband. But first pray for God to lead you to the right people. Then when you find them, tell them everything, tell them how you feel about what you did in the eyes of God and ask them to come between you and your husband. However, make sure that your husband feels comfortable with those people. Before they come between you and your husband to deal with this issue, invite them over to your house for lunch or dinner like on Sunday and see if your husband likes them. Ask them to pray for your family and hear what your husband says about them after they left the house. If he is okay with them, they might be the right ones.

Oh, my friend, you also definitely need people who surround you in prayer as you strive to restore your marriage.

And by the way, you said you and your husband are getting along very well now because, this is what I think the reason is: You feel so ashamed of your sin that you are becoming “super nice” to your husband and he is responding to your “niceness.” I mean, it is okay for a time being but you shouldn’t comfort yourself with this fake life. There is no peace without the presence of truth. Don’t forget that! And you shouldn’t let yourself live with guilt and shame.

And make sure that you prepare yourself for anything because there is no way for you or anyone to predict how your husband is going to react or respond to all this. Just fix your eyes on God and let God be God in your  marriage. God knows what to do with a messy marriage. Jesus Christ is GOOD at building a shattered down home.  Just trust Him!

Last point: Desire to live with your husband for your own sake, not for the sake of your kids. Yes, I agree with you, your kids need their fathers, but once your kids turn 18, my friend, they leave you behind to start their own lives. When that day comes, believe me in this, you need someone to be with you. How marvelous God is to create this incredible institution called “marriage” for us to make it in this life! Amazing!

“It is not good for a man to be alone!”

So, when you and your husband sit together in the presence of those people, make sure you say something like this in the middle of all the things you’ll say: “I want my marriage and I desire to live with my husband for the rest of my life.” This will show him that you want him by your side, not as a father to your kids but as a husband to you. This is very important for your husband to know.

My prayers are with you! ///