A4P Guest: My fiance and I are going to get married at the end of this year. I am very excited but there is something that is bothering me.
A4P: Congratulations! Wow! It must be exciting! Okay, let’s hear what is bothering you.
A4P Guest: You know, when I shared this issue with some people, they thought that my issue is so minor that I shouldn’t even worry about it. I don’t know if you read one wonderful book called “The Five Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman.
A4P: I did. What’s up with the book?
A4P Guest: No, my problem is not with the book but I mentioned it so you know what I am going to talk about. So, my love language is receiving gifts and I love surprises. I explained this to my fiance and encouraged him to read this particular book so he can speak my love language fluently. The problem is this: Whenever, for example, my birthday comes around, he buys me a gift but the quality of things he buys are just not my type. You know, those “Me-too” products? Those are the things he buys me. For my first birthday when we first started dating, I didn’t say anything. I said thank you but later I was honest with him. But no change. I told him and even showed him the quality of things I love to have but he always says, “That is like throwing your money in the trash. While you can have the same kind of product for a cheaper price, why do you go to the high price? Who will check out the brand of watches or the perfumes you are wearing?” And I always reply, “Most people and most importantly, me! I don’t like imitation.” And he says, “We have to save money. Now we are going to get married and have kids, you know. So, we need to save money.” What should I do with him? You said, “Don’t try to change your man because it doesn’t work.” Okay, it is true, it doesn’t work for me either. The only thing I gained from trying to change him is getting hurt by his stubbornness and I hurt him by hurtful things. We love each other and all but this issue, I am very scared if it is going to affect our marriage.
A4P: It depends! It depends on whether you want to change yourself or not. If you are willing to do that, things will definitely be better; if not, things can get sour. By the way, most men are like that. So, don’t feel like you got “the bad lemon” there. So, if I were you, for example, when my next birthday comes around, this is what I say to him: “Hey Babe, I don’t want to annoy you with this gift thing. So, from now on, I myself will buy “me” a gift. You don’t want to worry about it anymore. What do you think?”
Most men take this option in a heartbeat but with one condition: If they trust you with their money! If you go out and get lost in a shopping spree and slash the money in thousands, forget it. You will end up with Walmart artificial flowers for the rest of your life. So, be fare and wise. After all, his way of handling money benefits your marriage in the long run if his money perspective won’t turn into “the love of money,” which is the root of all evils (1 Timothy 6:10).
If this method works for you, hey, don’t forget to drop me a note. It usually works like a magic. And here is the thing: You have to let go of that “I love surprises” kind of mentality. That was romantic in a dating season. In a marriage season, believe me, most men want to just EXIST. They don’t want to be bothered by, “Excite me with exciting gifts and surprise me,” kind of jokes (forgive me for calling it a joke but that is how most men see it.) Once a man wins the trophy (means, makes the girl his own), he doesn’t want to be pushed to stand on the pedestal. The war ended the day he marries you and he wants to relax and enjoy the rest of his life without any “wife caused” extra stressors.
Please don’t fight with him regarding this issue. Pick your fights wisely. I mean, fight for meaningful things such as whether to eat pork every day to save money or to eat healthy but be broke for some time until he gets that promotion he had been waiting for or you get a raise. If you win (I know you will take the healthy eating habit), both of you will be healthy for the long haul. So, fight for these kinds of things. But hey, receiving gift is your love language and receive this love from others. You never know. He may come around later but give him so much time and grace.
Hope this helps! Many blessings on your upcoming wedding! ///