A4P Guest: Hi Missy, How are you doing? I want to ask you about a recent issue I’ve been dealing with. Long story short, there is this man I know from my church. He recently asked me for a relationship. I told him that I needed time to think before I give him a yes or no answer. Then we started hanging out just for a cup of tea because I thought that would help me to know him better. People from my church (my spiritual fathers) encouraged me to move with it (to accept his request). As far as I have noticed in this few weeks, he’s a good man and he always tries to take care of me. I haven’t seen anything wrong in his personality.
A4P: “My spiritual fathers?” Are these men the ones you are consulting with about a relationship?
A4P Guest: Yes. What’s wrong with that?
Men don’t know women’s world, as we don’t know theirs. They are men and you are a woman. What sort of advice do you ask them? “Do you think this man is a real deal” kind of question? I mean, they may be able to give you good advice as to what to look for in a real man but I have a big problem with that if they are the only ones you go to ask advice from. I mean, hello, they are men. And they may even want to marry you in the process. It doesn’t matter if they are married. By the way, how old are you?
A4P Guest: I understand your concern and you’re right. I need to consult with older women. I am 24 years old.
A4P: So, they told you to say yes to the guy and you found the guy to be a nice man. So, what is your question for me?
A4P Guest: I don’t know what to decide. It’s been difficult for me to name my feelings for him, is it love, fear or what? I think it is because of our age difference.
A4P: How old is he?
A4P Guest: He is 41.
A4P: Phew! No wonder those men (you called “your fathers”) told you to say yes. Continue with your question.
A4P Guest: You know, I always wish my husband to be like someone who is at least five or seven years older than me. To be honest, I don’t even feel comfortable to be seen with him. And when I think about saying ‘No’, I fear that I might be making a mistake refusing what God has provided to me just because of my criteria (such as age). I don’t think I love him but when I try to ask myself why I kind of ‘like’ him, the possible answers that I could come up with are: He shows me great care and he treats me well (which I haven’t experienced in my entire life), or, I don’t have that much social life and he is the only one that I go out with. I usually feel lonely but now I have him to accompany me.
I am a bit confused. He doesn’t want me to take any more time and he told me that he wanted answer soon. I feel so rushed. What do you advise me?
A4P: You know what! I’m eternally grateful for working in this ministry for the sake of young girls like you.
My sister (please allow me to call you, “my dear daughter”), first, you are a brilliant young girl. Your reasons are right on the money! Yes, loneliness can force you to go against your feelings, emotions and life principles.
And God gave us a brain to think, analyze, criticize and wrestle with so many life circumstances and come up with life principles that can help us. And this same God who wanted us to use this precious gift called, “brain,” never dismisses it and goes against your wishes, desires and wants and forces you to go against them all and marry someone you don’t want to be seen with. If God does that in your life, you must be the next, not Sara, but the woman “Hosea.”
And my dear daughter, the guy had showed you care that you haven’t seen in “your entire life” because your entire life is just “24 years” from which only two or three years can be considered as “your entire life”, because of those are the years you probably start entertaining the idea of getting married.
So, my dearest, the guy lived much longer than you and his “entire life” is much longer than you in this an uncharted territory called “dating.” Since he is much older than you, he knows how to melt a young girl’s heart because he is from a different generation. If he had shown this same kind of care and love to a woman who is 34 or 36, he would be called a real deal.
Listen to me: You are a young girl. You are attracted to an older man probably because men in your generation, those who are 26 or 28, don’t seem to you as matured as you wanted them to be; like men able to take care of you as a woman, a wife and a mother. But if you are looking for a man who is well matured and all round nice in life, you’ll always end up in this situation because many older men are shaped by life and they know how to woo a young girl.
Precious, look for a man that you can grow and mature with. Marriage is a place of companionship where two people (one man and one woman) grow and get into an intimate and nurturing friendship. You can’t create this kind of friendship with a man who is from a different generation.
When friendship is missing from a marriage, the two people in the marriage tend to live a very lonely life. The man always looks for friends from his generation and his wife does the same thing and they grow separately.
You can’t be a best friend of a man who is from a different generation. Look around you. Notice who people are befriending with, with the people of their own generation because friendship across a generation simply doesn’t work. It only works on social media.
I love the age range you put for your future husband. It is good. That is where friendship flourishes. Just simple “common sense” tells us that.
So, my advice for you is this: Listen to your heart. Find older and spiritually and “mentally” matured women who speak the truth into your heart. Men are men. They are mostly wonderful to mentor men to be men , not women especially in the area of relationship.
This actually must be your first homework I need you to do: Seek to be mentored by older women who are spiritually and “mentally” matured. Notice, I put the word mentally in a quotation mark because you don’t want a woman who tends to say, “Abraham married Sara who is 25 years younger than him. So, you never know. Your marriage might be the next “Abraham and Sara” kind of marriage. Just pray and God will do it.”
God forbid for you, my brilliant young daughter, to listen to this kind of advice and end up in a marriage where the man receives orders from a young little girl so the house won’t be on fire or you the little young girl will bow down to “the king” of the house for the sake of your little kids.
I am very proud of you for being this wise at this age. May God bless you for seeking advice and continue doing so.
Please go out and cultivate a meaningful social life with other women of your generation because marrying an older man won’t be a medicine for loneliness. ///