A4P Guest: I’m 27 years old. I’ve been seeing a man, 30 year old, since last year. I love him very much and we both are convinced that we are meant for each other. He is an introvert and I am an extrovert, if you know what I mean. We both know and accept our differences but my family, especially my mom, doesn’t like his quietness and reserved personality. I tried to explain to her that he is always like that but she keeps saying, “He must be hiding something.”
The other day my mom caught a cold and she didn’t go to work. So, I called and told him to grab something to eat for my mom since I had to go to work. He did. Then the next day, he called and asked her how she was doing. My mom ended up in bed for two weeks and she was expecting him to visit her but he did not. Now it is a big deal for my mom and the whole family. I guess they convinced me to think like them but I understand him completely. I am not married to him yet and he is keeping his distance and to tell you the truth, the fact that he visited my mom the first day and called the next day to ask how she was doing is so beyond my expectation. But my mom concluded that I shouldn’t marry him because she said, “He is not a marriage material.” I don’t know what to do. My family is very important for me, especially my mom. I can’t live without her. So, what do you advise me to do now?
A4P: Hmm. Where do I start? Let start with you since you are the one who came to me.
So, are you looking for a husband or a caregiver who takes good care of your mom? Are you planning to live with your mom or with your husband? Are you planning to make your mom the head of your house or your husband? It is good to wrestle with these questions before you tie the knot.
No man wants to be ruled and led by a woman, especially by his mother-in-law! Don’t ever forget that!
Don’t get me wrong. I am a mother too. I am not trying to be mean to your mom. You need to care for her whenever she needs help and whenever you can help but your boyfriend shouldn’t be expected to do anything extra. The little nice gesture he had showed so far should be celebrated. And his limited gesture may not change after he marries you.
Sweet heart, most men don’t even remember their mothers let alone their wife’s mother. They need their wives’ help to call and ask their own mother.
Have you ever read this Bible verse?
“- – – a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
Yes, this applies to you too. Unless you “leave” (the original meaning of the word is, “abandon”) your families, including your mother, you can’t “cleave” or “united” to your husband, and be “one flesh” with him. So, get this basic marriage a, b, c’s before you find yourself in the marriage.
My advice is this: Find a good book to read on marriage or go to a place (like church) where you can learn about marriage, basic differences between a man and a woman, the call of a wife/a husband, how to relate to in-laws after marriage and more. And if your mom is feeling okay, take her with you. It is good for her to know this basic truth too.
Don’t you love this man and so far understand his personality? If so, my dearest, go ahead and marry him. Don’t waste your time. You’re 27!
Yes, I agree with you to seek your family’s blessing but the only way to get their blessing is by you learning how to draw a line between your man and your family. It is not going to be easy and it won’t be an enjoyable experience for your mother either but you have to do it.
I hope you learn more from the marriage class you join and the books you read (books such as Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas or Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs).
All the best! ///