A4P Guest: I’m married and have two little kids, four- and five-year-olds. My husband and I get along just fine. As I read through your old posts, Missy, I thought you’re the right person for me to ask my question that nags me a lot these days. So, my husband and I have good sexual relationship and I don’t complain about that but you see, my husband doesn’t express love to me outside the bedroom. He is just romantic in the bedroom, not outside the bedroom. I don’t know what or how to tell him how much I need his attention outside the bedroom. What do you advise me?
A4P: Before I assume anything, let me ask you one question. So, when you say your husband “doesn’t express love to” you, in what way are you expecting him to express love to you outside the bedroom?
A4P Guess: You know, I want him to hug and kiss me; I want him to touch me in a romantic way but not for the purpose of arousing me for sex. I’m sorry for spelling it all out like that.
A4P: No problem! It helps me a lot to understand your situation correctly. So, you want your husband to romance you without the romance leading you two to sex and you want that treatment outside the bedroom, am I right?
A4P Guest: Absolutely!
A4P: Just to make you feel better about yourself and your marriage, let me say this: This is one of the most common complaints I hear from most wives. So, you’re not alone. This is called “Non-sexual touch.” You want your husband to give you massage, for example, but you don’t want him to proceed to sex every time he gives you a massage.
A4P Guest: Yes! You see, whenever he approaches, touches and kisses me, I know that he wants sex. That is fine with me but sometimes, it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me and he doesn’t want to be with me unless he wants sex.
A4P: My dear sister, you have no idea how many wives say the same thing and I will tell you what I know about this very issue. Most men are not blessed like women when it comes to expressing love to their wives in different ways. When they feel attracted to their wives, THE ONLY WAY they know how to express that attraction to their wives is through sex. Just know this! Most men usually don’t remember romancing their wives unless they want sex. I know this is very annoying but this is what it is. They don’t sit and think, “Let me give my wife a leg massage because I feel so attracted to her now.” No, they won’t think that way. They don’t even know if it is possible for anyone to think this way, ignoring their sexual urges. Non-sexual touches communicate deep love to a wife more than touches that lead to sex. Most men don’t know this. Some men don’t even touch their wives outside the bedroom and they wonder what their wives want from them as long as they meet their sexual needs in the bedroom.
So, here is my advice: First, don’t judge your man for not knowing how to express love to you outside the bedroom. Men don’t come to this world knowing how to romance a woman, they all learn here on earth. Second, try your best to attend marriage seminars in your church or other places with your husband in that way you don’t have to preach to him. Third, when you find your husband in a good mood, try to tell him nicely what you want from him. Remember, he can’t hear what you have to say if you are loud and have that critical and judgmental tone. Just lovingly communicate with him your needs without comparing him with any man. And fourth, pray! Yes, pray for God to work through your marriage. ///