Thank you For Letting My Voice Being Heard

A4P Guest: “I’m 30 years old with two little children, and I’ve been married for the past five years. I love Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul and mind. I want to live and die for Him alone. I know that the life I live now is a temporary one, not a permanent one. Knowing this truth helps me to consider my present sufferings and pains lightly. I met my husband at one of my family’s gatherings. He came to the party with one of my uncles. To make a long story short, I decided to marry him within a year thinking that I was in love with him; I think I was. I knew all along that my husband was around 18 years older than me but I didn’t care that much about it. Everybody advised me to revise my decision but I listened to nobody, not even to my mom. I also once overheard one of his friends say to him,

“What are you going to do with this little girl?” But I genuinely believed that our love for one another could win over anything. After all he was very romantic man, knew how to treat me and he was good at what to say and when. He used to take a good care of himself, dress up nice and exercise at least three times a week. At a time I met him, he looked better than many young men I knew. We had our two little ones with 11 months apart. After my second pregnancy, my husband began to withdraw from me and the children. I tried everything I could to give him space and all; but the more I try to come closer to him, the more he gets far from me. I don’t have any problem of taking care of the kids and the house all by myself. I have energy and I love working in the house. Of course I sometimes feel like a maid; the only difference is I don’t get paid every month and I sleep with the man I serve. I relieved him from any responsibility in the house thinking that it may help him to snap out of it; but nothing worked. I absolutely don’t have any clue what makes him happy anymore. The romantic man I thought I married all of a sudden disappeared in thin air. Intimacy is the one thing that he stays away from. We have intimacy once in two or three months, only when he wants to and his performance after a year into the marriage went down the drain. That means I get nothing out of it. I cry before God whenever my desires get the best of me. I once browse around on the Internet to look for something and cried before God for doing that. I rather die than do that thing again. Now I go to Jesus with all my desires and ask Him to give me rest and peace to my soul. I try to focus on my kids. I recently start to take small courses just to make myself busy. I would be lying to you, Missy, if I say, “I don’t regret getting into this marriage” but I know that regret is not something that is going to help me now. I always ask myself why I didn’t decide to marry the man I was dating when I was in first year university. He was three years older than me. I don’t know what got into me for me to ignore him and decide to marry another person I thought I was deeply in love with at age 25. I can’t tell you how many times I think about my ex-boyfriend. I used to chat with him on Facebook; but I recently stopped doing that because I realized that it would jeopardize my marriage, my kids’ life and my relationship with my God. Now, whenever I think about him, I rebuke the thought saying, “In the name of Jesus, go away from me” because I know that it is the devil who is throwing that thought into my mind. You know what I am dying to find in life now? A husband who can be my best friend, the man I can go to shopping with for the whole day, talking about anything and everything under the sun and I know that my husband can’t be that kind of husband. I have many visions and dreams but my husband is not interested to listen to any one of them. Oh, Missy, I’m dying from the inside. I feel so lonely. I stopped going out with my friends because one day, when my husband dropped me off, one of my friend’s husband said to me, “Why don’t you invite your dad to join us.” He didn’t know that he was my husband. From that day on, I stopped going there. I disappeared from them. I try to make friends now in my church and I met few women who seem to understand my feeling and help me grow in Christ. I will wait on God; I don’t know what God has in store for me; but I know He has something good for me. The Bible says, “Be joyful in hope” (Romans 12:12) and I choose to be joyful in the hope I may find on this or other side of life. Thank you for letting my voice being heard.”
A4P: You’re most welcome! ///