Mini-sex before Marriage

A4P Guest: “I’m 22 years old and my boyfriend is 27 years old. We’ve been dating now for a year. We both are born-again Christians and involved in our church youth ministry. We embrace the teaching of biblical abstinence and we also teach teenagers in our church about abstinence (refraining from sex before marriage). Even if at times it is tough to control ourselves, we’ve never had sex before and we don’t have a plan to do so before marriage. However we both came to the Appeal for Purity Facebook page recently and became convicted of the fact that we have been engaged in what you call “mini-sex” since day one. We always kiss and touch each other’s body whenever we see each other. We both talked about this thing and decided to stop it but the harder we try; the harder it gets for us to stop. What do you advise us to do to stop this mini-sex addiction which eventually leads us into a full blow sex?”

A4P: Hmm, I’m so glad and happy that you got the meaning of “mini-sex” down. It is self-explanatory, isn’t it?

The Word of God didn’t say, “Don’t do sex before marriage,” rather it says, before marriage, run away from anything related to sex as far away and as fast as you can. (Matthew 5:27-28; Ephesians 5:3; 1 Corinthians 6:18)

Kissing, touching, cuddling and all those sorts of things are part of sex. They are foreplays. They are also very addictive because they touch that “reward center” of our brain, the center if used and abused, hard to train it back again for it to respond normally. It takes the wheel of our life and drives us nuts!

That is why most Christian girls, after they indulge themselves in all sorts of mini-sex, they go home and masturbate; or search for a romantic movie or drama to watch or fiction books with sexual scenes to read to get relief from their awakened and aroused sexual desire; the young men tend to turn to masturbation and/or porn, or worse, tend to go to another woman who says “yes” for sex.

Forget about their spiritual life! It goes down the drain!

So, it is always wise to totally avoid mini-sex from your relationship!

So, here is my simple advice for you and your man to get rid of those “foxes that ruin the vineyards that are in bloom” (Song 2:15):

You see, for you and your boyfriend to sit closer or lie down and kiss and touch, you need a place; or I will say “a secluded place”. Am I right? From the way you wrote me, I can assume that you have a sound mind; means I don’t think you let the man kiss and touch you in the middle of a busy road, but in a place where you are out of anybody’s sight.

Your enemy is then “the secluded places” you guys tend to go; which can be your man’s apartment, or inside his or your car or at the back of a movie theater.

If so, come up with a practical strategy to avoid being alone in an isolated area. Meet up in a place where you can’t have a chance to kiss or touch. And when you guys avoid these things, guess what you both might feel first? You may feel bored of each other’s presence.

And guess what? That is where you guys need to be to see clearly if you two really want to be together for life. Why? Because MARRIAGE IS NOT a place you guys sit, kiss, touch and have sex 24/7/365 but it is a life you both work hard to become one through the ups and downs of life; including spiritual struggles to take the image of Christ; working hard to pay all your bills, striving to raise good kids and more. So, you want to marry someone you can get along nicely without being drunk in sexual hormones.

So, put to work the discerning spirit you have in Christ Jesus to put your flesh in subjection to the Word and Will of God. Set all those boundary lines in place and agree not to cross them for the better tomorrow.

Listen what the virgin Shulamite bride said to her virgin bridesmaids:

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.”

She is advising her girlfriends saying, don’t let your boyfriend kiss or touch you before marriage; but let him kiss and touch you like nobody’s business once you marry him because marriage is the rightful place to arouse and awaken each other’s powerful sexual desires so that you both get drunk in pure love and sexual oneness!

Oh, read the rest of Song of Songs! It is quite a beautiful book to read! ///