“How can I get better at Sex?”

“I’m married and have one two years old son. I’ve been a Christian since I was twelve. I’m 28 years old now. I was a virgin when I got married three years ago. My husband on the other hand had sexual relationship with other women. Now we are having sexual problem because he always says to me things like, “All my ex-girlfriends used to make me happy sexually but you don’t know anything because you have no sexual experience.” I’m not sure what to do. I’m confused and frustrated. I sometimes blame God for paying me back this way for keeping myself pure until marriage. How and where can I go to learn about sex?”

Oh, my dearest, God is Just! He is a faithful God! God has nothing to do with your current problem but your husband. Your husband is failing you on letting you teach him how to love you.My friend, you don’t have to go anywhere to learn about sex and I’m glad you didn’t go anywhere in the past either because sex is not a skill you develop as you do it with multiple people.

Medical surgeons tend to be advised like this: “As you have more “hands on” experience, you will get better at it. As you see many different patients with unique cases, you become an expert.”

Sex is not like that. No one can get “expert” on doing sex by doing it with multiple people. God didn’t create sex so that we will “get better at it” by having it with many people. Actually if we choose to do it with multiple people, we get “worse” at it because the experience itself turns us into “sex objects”.

Can a glass cup you use to drink water with get hydrated when you drink? No, it won’t! It is an object! So, having sex with multiple people will turn us into “sex objects” and leave us empty and dry just like that glass cup.

The more you have sex with only one person you are married to, the better the sex gets for both of you as it “hydrates” you and your spouse. It is not you who get better at the sex but the sex itself gets better as you get better at loving and caring to each other!

Sex has nothing to do with experience; rather it has everything to do with KNOWING one single person intimately FOR LIFE!

Best sex demands COVENANT which comes with full commitment and surrender without any reservation from both sides; excellent sex demands “holiness,” freedom from any filthy stuff that defiles body, soul and spirit of both people; exciting, great and wonderful sex demands “denying” self for the sexual fulfillment of the other person and above all, oh, fulfilling sex, the sex that “drench” your soul, spirit and body with pleasure demands the presence of the Holy Spirit who created you and sex! Did you hear that?

So, from the above “very short” list of sexual pleasure demands, you can see that wonderful and fulfilling sex can ONLY be found IN THE marriage; and just because two people are married, doesn’t necessarily mean that wonderful sex is a guarantee either.

Well, that being so, it is a glaring and tragic reality for the devil and this secular world deceiving us all into believing that after we sleep with many people, we can go to marriage and be fulfilled sexually as a result of our past “EXPERIENCE”. That can happen only in our wildest dreams!

Your husband, as you said, had multiple sexual partners. That means he got used to being “high” with a kind of sex that is hidden and stolen. Listen what the Bible says about that kind of sex:  “Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!” Proverbs 9:17

Well, if you are like me, you may read this verse and say to yourself, “Well, let me steal sex then for me to enjoy its sweetness in secrecy.”

Hmm. Listen what the next verse says, “But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead.” Proverbs 9:18 (“her” being a woman the man is not married to.)

Once we get used to sleeping around, we think that sex is just “that,” that orgasmic feeling; that instant “high!” And we conclude that sex is nothing but that spontaneous moment which is always followed by guilt, fear, despair, regret and so on.

And our brain “re-programs” itself to seek “that moment” every day like “a heroin addict” because everything we choose to do out of the will and word of God will tend to make us “slaves.”

Sexual intimacy in the marriage is not like that. First, it is not a spontaneous moment which is followed by regret!

Are you serious! There is no regret after you “feast” on the sexual intimacy God has for you in your marriage. After you have sexual pleasure with your spouse, the only thing that follows is peace, joy, fulfillment, sense of “well-being,” a desire to love and worship God, and so on.

Second, in your marriage, the body you are sleeping with is not stolen. Everybody knows that you are sleeping with your spouse! And the sexual pleasure God has for you in the marriage is found when you let go of your pleasure for your spouse’s sexual pleasure. Do you see it?

Notice once again: Just because two people are married doesn’t mean that they can be sexually fulfilled. If they are still seeing sex as it is portrayed on movies, dramas or fiction books such as “Fifth Shades of Grey,” they will be as miserable as the people of this world. Unless they tap into the Word of God, they will be miserable too.

So, your man has to get used to “Normal sex!” (as one wonderful author calls it, I think, it is Dr. Archibald D Hart.) Until he gets used to that God-given, Spirit filled “normal sex,” he will have a tough time of being sexually fulfilled in his marriage.

So, my friend, don’t go anywhere to get better at sex. Stay in your marriage so that you get better at influencing your man to take God’s Word at its “face value”. Invite him to this page; encourage him (not nag him) to read as much as he can; go to marriage seminars and conferences; seek counseling in this area; pray for your husband so that he will be repentant of his past life because it sounds like he has “nostalgia” for his past sexual life. That nostalgia is like the Israelites desiring to eat the Egyptian “onion” while they were being served by God to feast on the heavenly manna (Numbers 11). Tragic! Tragic! Tragic! ///