A4P Guest: I’m a mother of three little kids (8, 6 and 5 years old). I’ve been married with my husband for the last 10 years. To make a long story short, I’m in hell. I’m crying right now. It is hard for me to write the condition I’m in. My husband doesn’t help me around the house. He doesn’t care about the kids. I do everything by myself.
I wanted to stay home and raise my kids but I have to go to work full-time. If I don’t work, we won’t have anything to eat. He doesn’t want to work full-time. When I asked him why he doesn’t work full-time, he said, “We won’t get good tax return if I work full-time.” The thing is I have never seen that “tax-return” money in my life. I don’t know what he does with it. He stays home most of the time and he is always on his laptop. A year ago, I found porn on his lap-top and asked him what it was. He was very upset with me for going through his stuff. He screamed at me and scared me saying, “If I ever find you going through my stuff, – – -”. I’m so sorry I can’t say it what he said to me. From that day on, he separated his bed and he is sleeping in the basement. My kids and I are very scared of him because he shouts at us. My kids never like to be with him because they are scared of him. I wanted to be nice to my kids but the frustration I am going through makes me shout at them (oh, God, and I think I’m abusing them physically). Some brothers and sisters in Christ tried to intervene in our marriage but he doesn’t listen to anybody. I talked to my pastor and my pastor came to our house like six months ago. My husband acted as if nothing happened and he even quoted Bible verses to my pastor. My pastor pleaded with him to take responsibility. That night he threatened me saying, “You will regret next time you call this man over.” When I asked him “Why not,” he slapped me in front of my kids. When I picked up the phone just to scare him as if I was about to call 911 (I swear I was not planning to call 911 but just to scare him), he said, “If you call 911, I will finish you here.” What can I do? Do you advise me to divorce him?
A4P: Oh, no, my dear! I won’t advise you to divorce him and I have never advised anybody to get a divorce because divorce doesn’t solve anything. I think that is why God said, “I hate divorce.” (Malachi 2:16)
Precious, this man is your husband. He is part of you. You vowed to love him; in good and bad times until death do you part. So, what your husband needs now is a wife who loves him till the end; a wife who practically expresses “TOUGH LOVE!”
Beloved, love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:7). You have to love him till the end, my dear.
So, how can you express love to your husband in this situation? Well, love him enough to the point of letting him face the consequences of his actions. Only a loving wife saves/protects her “dangerous” husband from himself by handing him over to the authority.
From your Facebook account, I can see that you are living in one of the US states. That is very good because there is law which holds us all accountable when we don’t get our acts together.
And, my precious sister, calling 911 is not a crime but a right thing to do when the action is warranted. And your situation is one of the cases where 911 calls are like “a saving grace” from above; to save you, your kids and listen, TO SAVE YOUR HUSBAND FROM HIMSELF!
If you read Romans 13:1-5, you will find the following Words:
“- – – there is no authority except that which God has established.”
“The authorities that exist have been established by God.”
“For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good.”
“- – – whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.”
“For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong.”
I don’t have time to explain what each of these verses are talking about but if you read and meditate on them, you can see that 911 is there to save you and I and everybody from our destructive actions and behaviors we choose to do to each other!
God already established “FOR YOUR OWN GOOD” the church and the people of God. But their support and help has limit. They helped you so far and from this point on, my beloved sister, their support has to be transferred to the governing body.
So, first thing first: You and your kids have to be in safety!
Since your husband already threatened you, to hit or kill you, God knows which, I advise you first to get a “restraining order” from the authority and ask your man to leave the house. Don’t worry where he is going to sleep or eat. He knows what to do with those things. Tell the police that you are scared for your life and the life of your children so that they will come to help you.
They may want to keep him with them because sometimes they give an excellent class to help people understand “the value of human life.” So, they teach how honorable human beings are and how others are also humans and how we need to treat others with respect and honor or else (how consequences will follow).
But for them to teach your husband those lessons, they usually want to keep him with them, for three month or so, so that he won’t miss any of the morning, afternoon and evening classes.
If he comes out of those classes successfully, he will be the most loving husband you can ever find; OR
He will divorce you but at least you did what is expected from you as a loving wife. And you helped him learn the most important life lesson that he will never forget. That lesson is that he has no right to abuse and misuse anyone and be free. If he marries again, imagine, he will be a good husband to the woman who is going to pick him up for a husband and a good father to his kids.
If he has an “undiagnosed” mental sickness, which is the case in some cases, they will help him find that out too. Sometimes some men will experience mental sickness such as depression, or serious sexual addiction and they don’t seek help for it. Rather they abuse people who are under their care. So, you see, you can be like a “SAVIOR” for him.
This is called “TOUGH LOVE!”
BTW, before I let you go, I want you to know that you too need to learn what it means to be a human being. You need to take class where you can learn how it is right for you to never let anyone abuse and misuse you. The people who are going to help you with your marital issue can help you attend those kinds of classes. They usually give these classes to battered women. ///
P. S. Let the one who has ears let him hear!