Is masturbation a problem of women too?

Sure, masturbation is not only the problem of men but women’s too. Women often resort to masturbation not because of any “egg build-up” in their body as it is the case with men (sperm build-up plus lust). Nothing builds up in a woman’s body when it comes to sexual desire because her sexuality is not mostly physical but emotional.

Woman has a God-given desire to be adored, pursued, loved, touched, caressed, kissed, treasured, admired (of her beauty) and to be fully known by a man. While she is single, she meets these emotional desires through healthy relationships with others (same gender) and families, mainly with her dad and God. When she doesn’t know a healthy way of meeting her emotional desires, or when she is deprived of those healthy sources (being raped by her dad or brothers or cousins), she tends to look for other means. She first may try to protect herself from any more sexual assault, abuse and rape by separating herself from others and eventually she will be lonely. The thing is her emotional desires stay with her regardless of her life circumstances. At this point, she may be forced to find other outlets to silence the cry of her soul.

Loneliness, secret and identity crisis are the three most critical factors to push a woman into sexual addiction. (There are more factors but these three are the ones I want to touch on this article.)

As I said repeatedly in most of my articles, sexual addiction and loneliness go hand in hand. And that is also the case with a woman in sexual addiction. She usually doesn’t have anybody she can call a friend to share her secrets to. So, again here also, secret is the power of sexual addiction. (Exception: Some Christian girls can get involved in a sexually immoral lifestyle as a group. They freely share their secrets and lead a sexually immoral lifestyle together. It is very hard to help a woman in this situation unless otherwise she is willing to sacrifice anything including moving away from the group of friends she used to hang out with.)

In addition to loneliness and keeping her life away from others (to keep it in secret), identity crisis can be the core source of a woman’s sexual addiction.

Today, women are expected to be size two, look 18 years old every year and expose their body for no reason other than to flirt with every man. A woman who exposes her breasts half way out for anyone to see and enjoy is praised by many as “You look sexy and attractive”. Since she has an inborn desire to be admired and praised for her beauty, she may continue adorning herself in a way to put most of her body out for anyone to notice, see, lust after, enjoy and admire. The message, therefore, for her is that she has to attract men for her to live happily and be loved by others. So she gives more of her attention to her outside look than her inside beauty.

If you notice, in recent TV shows and movies, women are portrayed as “heroes” who have the same sexual urges like men (pursuing a man for sex and even “rape” him) and who have the strength to kill thousands of men with one “Karate chop” using their legs. (Just to say the least here, a woman of God doesn’t kill one thousand men but she enables her man to kill more than one thousand men with only one word of affirmation – I will come back to this another time).

Remember, the idea of “masculinizing” a woman is a strong “tool” the devil, flesh and this world use to create lust in the hearts of most men. Why? This kind of woman doesn’t demand anything from a man. She won’t say “unless we get married, we can’t have sex”. If they are married, she doesn’t challenge him to be “a man” so that he can provide and protect her and her kids; she doesn’t say “I’m tired, I don’t want sex today”, she is always ready for sex and ready to take him to his fantasy world; she won’t bug him to change her car oil. Rather she changes hers and his car oil and flat tires (she also does all the alignment and tire rotation). Yeah, that creates lust in men’s heart because the deep seated sinful cravings of most men is for them to sit down and being taken care of sexually, emotionally and physically, by women. That is why we see on the cover pages of most famous magazines a famous man with his glasses on, surrounded by five half naked women, posing for the camera to show to the whole world that he is the man! (I will come back to this as well another time and by the way this is the same idea behind the same-sex attraction.)

In short, a woman is expected to be like a “macho guy”. This creates a serious identity crisis in her because God didn’t create her to be like that. She will lose herself and she will get stuck in this vicious cycle of trying to find who she is, falling into sexual immorality, confessing and repenting of her sins and going back to zero again, trying to find herself. (Note: If you have little girls, it is very important you teach them, with words and life example –if you are a woman, show her practically what the really beauty of “womanhood” is).

You see, the problem is, a woman who is flirting with men, highly obsessed with her outside look, sexually seducing men and being sexually aggressive towards them as if she was a man can’t lead a normal life. Her soul fills with sadness, anxiety, fear, despair and you name it. Her inside may get crashed into smaller pieces. She can’t be mentally and emotionally healthy. This kind of lifestyle itself has a tendency to create more emptiness and a very strong emotional desire that can’t be met by a friend, a boyfriend, a husband or God!

So, when she finds herself in this lonely place, with a secret, an identity crisis and with an “unmet strong emotional desire”, she will be vulnerable and easy to fall into sexual addictions and choose to have a sexually perverted lifestyle that can destroy her and hers (if she is married).

Therefore helping a woman in a similar situation begins with helping her find herself in Christ. It is also important to help her develop healthy relationships with other women and teach her how to live as a feminine, not as a masculine. It may take a long time to realize healing but it is possible to receive a complete healing through the power of Jesus Christ.

Some women ask me like “I’ve been in this addiction for the last seven years and I’m now married and I’m still in it. My husband loves me and everything but the masturbation and porn addiction is still with me. Why?”

Yeah, that is the thing. As I said before, marriage doesn’t heal any sexual addiction or habit. If a woman is single and she is in sexual addiction, she needs to seek help, not marriage. If she is already in the marriage, she still needs to seek help but she may need to seek help together with her husband so that he can help her too (this is the rule of thumb in marriage that they both need to seek help even if the problem is with one of them).

Our brain is a very complicated organ. Addiction mainly messes up the function of our brain and that function can’t be reverted back in a day. Sometimes it takes years but there is victory from sexual addiction. That is what the power of Jesus, the life in His Blood can accomplish in us. ///

P.S. Women are the most complicated creatures of God and I am touching the most complicated side of her life. This is a very short article. The purpose of this article is not to give a comprehensive explanation of the topic at hand nor give answers to all the questions and life situations around this topic; rather to create awareness.