Do not Deprive Each Other

A4P Guest: “I live abroad, almost 19 hours flight far from my wife and two kids. It’s been now eleven months since I saw them. I decided to to come here where I’m now to do my masters in Psychology. I got full scholarship from a prestigious university and the company I work at is covering all my living expenses. So, I didn’t want to miss this opportunity. My wife first was excited but after she heard that it is going to take me two years to finish the course, she was not happy at all. When I am done with this, I will get a better position in the company I work at and make good money. She knows that very well but for some reason, she didn’t uphold my decision. But regardless of what she felt, I came here. Now she doesn’t want to talk to me on the phone. Whenever I call, she always says, “Here, talk to the kids. They missed you a lot.” I don’t know how I can convince her that my decision is good for all of us. We both are devoted Christians. We’ve been married now five years and she knows that I don’t go to another woman. I tried to talk to her in that regard but nothing seems to convince her. What can I do with my wife?”

A4P: Long distance marriage takes a toll on anyone especially on mothers with little kids. If it’s been only five years since you guys have been married, that means, your kids are very young. I can only imagine what kind of life your wife is living. She has to be emotionally spent by now while she tries to be a mother and a father to her little kids. And to tell you the truth, she is better off if her husband was not alive than her husband being alive but away. This is not a joke; this is for real!

Your wife mainly receives emotional strength from your love and care; whether they are expressed in words or actions, including sex.

Having sexual intimacy with her husband gives her an emotional release to regain more strength for the next day challenge of being a mother and wife. In the absence of sexual release, some women tend to be aggressive towards their kids and anybody.

When a young married woman is caught in this kind of situation and doesn’t have an outlet to meet her sexual desire, she may get frustrated to the point of resenting her husband; ESPECIALLY in your situation where she didn’t agree with the plan.

Sometimes if she tries to meet her sexual desire, for example through masturbation, she feels terrible about herself. She blames her husband for it. She may feel that her husband doesn’t care about her, that he is not there to protect her from sexual temptation. She may feel neglected and abandoned by her husband. And if she doesn’t have any social support, she may even become abusive to her kids.

Sometimes she may find herself being attracted to a man who is next to her; the man might be her cousin or her husband’s friend who visits her to make sure that everything is okay with her and the kids.

The Bible says; “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by MUTUAL CONSENT and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:5

Unfortunately I usually hear this Bible verse being quoted in the context of advising a wife never to say “no” to her husband’s sexual advances. Well, it is good to advise wives that but what about husbands?

A husband has to be considerate of his wife’s sexual desire. Who said sex is only for a husband? Who said that only a husband has sexual desire? Who said that a wife can live without any sexual temptations if her husband goes away?

And the truth of the matter is; most men who are separated from their wives because of immigration issue or because they travel for this or that reason take their sexual matters into their own hands. What that means is they find an outlet to take care of their sexual desires.

Viewing porn and masturbation may be their companions for the ride. The problem is a man can just do his own private thing; and present himself as spiritual as he can be. He can call his wife as if nothing happened; and talk to her as if he was the most faithful husband on this planet earth. You see, a man has that natural capacity to compartmentalize his life; putting sexual part of his life in one compartment and the other part of his life in the other compartment.

His wife, on the other hand, can’t do that. If she lusts after a man she watches on a movie, she feels really bad about herself. If she flirts with a neighbor, she resents her husband for not being there for her. If she dreams sexual stuff, she curses the day she decides to marry that man who left her for a better life because she finds it hard to pray and worship God.

So, coming back to your situation, how are you handling your sexual desire? Are you completely dependent on the natural, God-given mechanism called “Nocturnal Emission?” Or are you venturing out and playing around with porn and masturbation? Chances are you are taking your sexual desire into your own hands, are you?

A4P Guest: I thought my secret life was hidden. I guess it is not. I think God is revealing it all to you.

A4P: Not really. God didn’t reveal anything to me regarding your private life. It is a good guess. Though I don’t dare to give a percentage, many men in your situation choose to turn to porn and masturbation to take care of their sexual desires. And the problem is most don’t seem to see the danger of it all. They think that their situation is exceptional and God compromises on His standards. They didn’t know that they are the heads of their household; they didn’t know that the devil is putting them out of the game so that he takes over their wives, kids and the next generation. Oh, how can I tell you the danger it brings to you, your household and the next generation as a whole.

A4P Guest: So, what can I do now?

A4P: Forsake your ways and go back to your wife. Ask God to open another door so that you can take your wife and kids with you. If God doesn’t open the door, stay with your wife. Live with what you have. As long as you desire to grow in the boundary of God’s Will and willing to work hard (without expecting blessings to fall on you), God is able to let you grow and prosper in every direction of life without sending you abroad.

The Bible says: “Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great wealth with turmoil.” Proverbs 15:16

Choose God’s way and you shall never regret.

“Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” Psalm 84:10 ///