Question and Answer

Question: My husband and I had conflict we couldn’t find a solution for. So we looked for Christian counselors and went to one of their offices in our area. We didn’t want to tell our church ministers because everybody thought that we had a perfect marriage; so we felt embarrassed to tell them of our struggles. And my husband felt really uncomfortable telling anyone about any of our stories. He said, “They will tell everybody”.

Our main problem was sex. I, the wife, have lots of grudges I held on against my husband because of his infidelity early on in our marriage. I forgave him but when it came to sex, I had a problem to let go of my body for his pleasure. So I began to avoid sex at any cost. So, we told the counselor and the first thing the counselor advised us to use was a porn video. My spirit told me that it was wrong but because their office was advertised as Christian counselors, I thought it would be okay for us to use. Now, after reading some of your articles, we realized that the porn video actually killed our marital sexual intimacy and endangering the existence of our marriage. We already destroyed the video but we both are now scared to have sex. What do you advise us to do?

Answer: It is always good to counsel the Word of God and the Spirit of God before you accept any counseling from anyone. Just because one says he/she is a Christian doesn’t mean that they have all around balanced belief in the Bible and in the God of the Bible. It is also good to involve a couple from your church to your problem. Avoiding support and help from your church, in my opinion, is not wise. If you are not comfortable with the people of the church you go to, find another church where we feel accepted and embraced to the family. You see, when you involve others to your marriage, it gives you an opportunity to show to others that your marriage is not a perfect one either. That reality will release you both from the performance anxiety; a need to show to everybody that your marriage is strong as a rock, which is a fantasy we all want others to believe about our marriages. Don’t be too obsessed about people hearing about you and your marriage. We usually worry not of the gossip but the fact that the real truth about our marriage coming into the open. And that is a struggle we all have and that is the struggle we need to win because its root cause is pride. Settle this in your mind and heart: Nobody has a perfect marriage and nobody is perfect. Period! If you find someone gossiping about others’ marriages, they tend to do that so that people take their attention away from their own imperfect marriages. They also get comfort as they gossip about other people’s broken marriages since theirs is also a broken one.

I’m glad that you destroyed the porn video. Now, it will be excellent for you two to go and talk to your pastor; yes, to your church pastor and tell him what you just told me. Confess your sin to the person who knows you as a couple and who sees you frequently. Then he will pray for you two and bless you. And as the Bible says, after that you’ll receive your freedom and sexual healing from the Spirit of God (James 5).

Then you can resume your sexual life as you used to. Of course everything won’t fall to its place. Forgive your husband of his sin and talk to him. Tell him exactly what you feel about his infidelity. Work through that process together. One thing I want to warn you is this: Communication between you two may die at this point because of fear. You have to go against that fear and make every effort to make the communication line open 24/7. Talk about everything and at all times. Your martial sex won’t be as exciting as it used to when you involved the porn video because in that sex, there are sin, secrets and the spirit of demon which all add season called lust to fill your mind and body. Your brain has to “unlearn” that as it learns, all over again, how to be sexually aroused by natural chemicals (hormones) and stimuli. Depending on your communication (remember, communication is the key here), this process can be long or short. If you have healthy communication, if you two talk about your fears and anxieties, how you two were blinded for the sin or how you two went against your conscious to bring porn to your bedroom, and more, the process might not take long. You will soon go back to your God-given beautiful sexual life as you used to have before the infidelity. Don’t lose hope if it doesn’t happen after a month or so. Just be one in mind and spirit with your husband; pray together and lay your hands on your bed and pray and call the presence of the Holy Spirit. He is the One who knows how to sanctify that which is beyond any repair, if you know what I mean. I pray God will do for you guys as He promised to do in His Word; “if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19)

What a hope we have in Jesus! And what you are asking of Him is His perfect Will and God loves to answer prayers which are according to His Word and Will. May His blessing be upon your martial bed as you seek Him and His Will! ///